TOOL NEWSLETTER SEPTEMBER, 2000 E.V.

To the memory of Mee-Too, a flash of fawn and sapphire, gone now, but still Biting the hand that feeds her.

Well, the news everyone really wanted to hear - that of future Tool releases - has already been posted on the site by those in the inner sanctum, leaving the writer of the NEWSletter, once again, to engage in flights of fancy

In the last issue, I said I'd give you the details of Sasha and Kath's wedding party if the Liverite held out. As it turned out, Danny had a few to spare - so here goes folks: August 12th was a sweltering night in the valley, so, instead of driving, I decide to walk the narrow road that winds its way up to Adam's place from my digs at the bottom of the boulevard. Sadist that I am, I convince my two guests, a blonde actress and Aloke Dutta, the tabla master to join me on this little excursion. Parking would be a bitch, I explain to their unsuspecting nods of agreement... so we start up the hill. Within minutes we hear strains of the mariachi band coming from Jones manor. Even from this distance, we are treated to a few of the many "clams" blown by the coronet players on that memorable evening. Moments later we arrive, drenched in perspiration. Party in progress. Grab a Tecate and some Mex-fare as I walk over to say hi to Justin. In his suit jacket, he looks a bit frazzled, as if he'd gone without sleep for about 40 hours. FLASHBACK TO THE NIGHT BEFORE: As one contingent of Tool folk drove out to Joshua Tree, Justin, Danny and I headed up to the top of Mount Pinos with hopes of catching a glimpses of something a little more exciting than the Perseids. Earlier, I had been tipped that there was going to be a test flight of something from the "ANTHILL" facility in the Tehachapi Mountains that night, using the meteor shower as a cover of sorts. Lately, there have been rumors about H-PACS (Human Piloted Alien Craft) being flown out of a secret installation near the Northrop facility by the Tejon Ranch, and the 12th-13th was a possible window. The night was fairly uneventful with moderate Perseid activity once the moon set, until about an hour before the sunrise when we observed two anomalous objects moving very rapidly across the sky. At first I thought these were satellites, but then one of the objects began to display some erratic maneuvers before disappearing from view. The manner in which the object disappeared was its strangest feature. What these were I'm not sure, but they definitely were not meteors, conventional aircraft or iridium satellite flares (which many people have reported as UFOS lately). Judging by the color and characteristics of the object, a good guess might be the return of something nicknamed the Deltoid Pumpkin Seed. BACK TO THE PARTY: More Tecates as Adam, Danny and other revelers are doing cannonballs off the roof of the pool-house into the crowded pool. Somewhere in the city, suits at the record company must have been cringing.

Anyway, I'm content to talk with the blonde but somebody wants to discuss hyper-dimensional physics ala Richard Hoagland. In particular, he wants to talk about the "tetrahedral latitude of 19.5 degrees". I'm familiar with Hoagland's fascinating theory of bodies in the solar system receiving energy from a higher dimension, but I'm burnt from the night before so I simply remind this person that he (Hoagland) once tried to tie in the Old Navy clothing store sale-price of $19.50 per shirt with the conspiracy behind the HD model. You see Old Navy's mascot dog is named MAGIC as in MAJIC or MJ-12. And if that wasn't enough, I also remember years ago something about the date of the Roswell crash in 1947 being rounded off to 1950(19.5 - get it)! (NOTE: Recently, the producers of Brian De Palma's "Mission To Mars" had some fun with Hoagland's hyperdimensional physics number in the digital timer of the launch-code sequences.) Okay, a couple of more Tecates after an aborted attempt of a margarita (too much mix) and I'm ready to walk back down the hill and call it a night. This I do.

For those who wrote about "White Stains", no, Danny hasn't bought a copy yet, but recently an acquaintance of ours acquired the envelopes of a couple of letters sent by Crowley which contained a wax seal with the imprint of his Ankh-af-na-Khonsu ring. Hey, there are stamps on those envelopes and I'll bet AC licked them. Are you thinking what I am?

On September 5th, after nearly three grueling months of Mexican, Thai and Indian, CHILI JOHN'S re-opened! People, you should try this joint - a favorite hang out of certain Tool members when they're not rehearsing and want to punish their GI tract. Also, Marco Fox, the chef and voice of "die Eier Von Satan" is a regular - veggie chili being his thing, although we suspect he might be what Danny has termed a "closet carnivore". If you're ever in Los Angeles, check out this place. Chili John's has been in Burbank since 1900 and among its many claims to fame is that founder, John, invented the oyster cracker - crackers they now supply by the basket-load. (NOTE: be sure to keep some bathroom stationary in the fridge if you order the extra-hot stuff.)

The more savvy of you may have discovered an article on the site describing our trip to Rennes-le-Chateau in the South of France. For the rest of you, click on the link in the stream of intestinal sludge excreted from the controls at the top of the page to view this piece. While reading it again, I had a few final thoughts on a great journey which ended with Danny rolling our rental van down a ravine - with yours truly sitting in the passenger seat under the boulder-crushed roof. Danny had swerved to avoid hitting a gray dog - a phantom or what occultists would call a tulpa conjured into existence by the minions of Asmodius who were out to foil our pursuit of the legendary treasure hidden in the environs of Rennes. Once again, back in the states, the record suits were cringing, but we all survived without serious injury, the worst being Danny's sore butt when the cedar box holding a single vintage Macanudo cigar stuffed in his back pocket splintered on impact.

Climbing out of the accursed vehicle, after feeling to make sure all appendages were intact, we notice that Bob's (Danny's father) copy of GENISIS has been ejected from the van with its dust jacket now shredded. The master mason was safely asleep in the chateau, but his book was in dire need of help. For our part, we could only laugh. That's the price you pay when taking a collectible book into the field.

WHILE LOOKING FOR A TREASURE WE LOST A TREASURE

Well, not a treasure per says, but a considerable sum of money when one of us lost his wallet in the hunt for gold. Said wallet was lost in what David Wood called "The place of the Seed", the location of which he has kept secret. Unlike Mr. Wood, we'll share the location with you - and who knows - maybe you'll find its treasure or at least our wallet. The ruins are hidden by a dense copse of trees in the middle of a triangular field AT THE EXACT CENTER OF THE PENTACLE OF MOUNTAINS. Look for a farm called La Valdieu and explore the fields behind it. There, deep in the undergrowth you will find the remains of a stone structure possibly once used by the Knights Templar to conceal something of great import. Want another clue?

SHEPHERDESS NO TEMPTATION THAT POUSSIN TENIERS HOLD THE KEY PEACE 681 BY THE CROSS AND THIS HORSE OF GOD I COMPLETE (or destroy) THIS DAEMON GUARDIAN AT MIDDAY BLUE APPLES

After we returned to the states, we found out something about ourselves we could not have imagined. You see, while exploring the ruins of the Cathar bastion of Montsegur, one of us had chanced upon an ancient nail jutting from its stone wall. This person later took the nail to a psychic to explore its history. Using psychometry, this woman explained that the reason we took the trip in the first place was because, in a past life, we were among those innocent men, women and children who were burned alive by the Roman Catholic Inquisition on that fateful day in march, 1244. Bummer, while most people get to be Caesar, Napoleon or Alexander the Great in their past incarnations, we had to be Cathar heretics put to sword and flames in the Languedoc. By the way, it was during this act of genocide that the Papal representative of Pope Innocent III uttered one of the most memorable quotations in the history of the church. When asked by the Crusaders which ones to kill (how to distinguish the heretics from the true Christians), his reply was "Kill them all, God will recognize his own." So now we know. No wonder we're so pissed off.

From our fulfillment crew: it pains us to announce that we can no longer send any signed photos of the band to those of you in correctional centers. It seems that the guards steal them, and we just can't allow this nasty practice to continue.

Calendar of Events

September 5..........................................................Chilli John's is back

September 18.........................................................Maynard is back at rehearsals

September 26.........................................................Re- release of Peach Album

 

 

HAPPY TRAILS

JUSTIN

DANNY

MAYNARD

ADAM

BLAIR

 

 

 
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