TOOL NEWSLETTER
FEBRUARY, 2003 E.V.


Porrablot! (Thorrablot)

I don't know about you, but I'm damn sure glad February's come and gone, what with that Porrablot! Subscribers of this little newsletter, soldiers of all ranks of Toolarmy, your humble writer put down his peacock quill went and did something REALLY CRAZY last December (actually, on his birthday). In that nearly all of the American women that I've met as of late have turned out to be... American women, I went ahead and lassoed (I mean melted the heart) of what has always been my ultimate dream girl. You guessed it: an Icelandic goddess. Anunnaki-blonde hair with Anunnaki-blonde roots from Anunnaki-blonde DNA. Eyes of an intense blue that sang to me... mysterious, unsettling eyes like little sapphire suns... And with those traffic-stopping looks and that thawed-out body (I'll get to the skinny on MJK'S new tattoo in minute - skip ahead if you're not interested in the headline news), everything was so wonderful in my solipsistic multiverse until... until... that Icelandic holiday, with the traditional feast. The heathen near-vegan's worst nightmare... what I now call the horror of the Porrablot! I was growing to accept - even to like the constant cups of "Solarkaffi" (sun coffee) that were being brewed every time the sun shined through the windows in my L.A. apartment (even though I tried to explain to my ice-goddess selected from the pages of the 'Blue Bible' that this wasn't her little village where the sun only comes out for a few minutes in the dark winter months [which is celebrated with the sun coffee], "this is Southern California, honeycicle, it's always sunny."), that was alright - I could live with that, but then packages began to arrive from her home. And these boxes contained the "food" that would be on the Porri (Porrablot!) menu.

When morning came, first my new love brought me roses, and then she brought me sheep balls. Hrutspungar she called it, licking those delicious lips of hers. Sheep's testicles that would merely be an appetizer. An appetizer! For what? For the main-FREAKIN-course (of course): Skyrhakarl (chunks of decomposed shark, actually the best part of the meal), Selshreifar (seal's flippers), Svinasulta (both the sheep's head jelly and the spiced pig's head jam - "can I get that on toast, or does it have to be the traditional black flatbread?.. you little sulta), Hvalliki (imitation whale blubber - bet they kept the real stuff for themselves), Lifrarpylsa (liver sausage), Bloomor (blood sausage), Magalar (smoked... salmon? NO, sheep's bellies!), Slatur (sheep's intestines - "I'm getting full, I knew I shouldn't of loaded up on all those sheep's testicles appetizers"), and just good old plain Svio (lightly singed sheep's head). I'd lock her in the freezer, I'm thinking, but she'd probably thrive...(on the left over Hvalliki).

Okay (sobbing), I need to get out of this before next February comes with the UPS guy delivering boxes of smoked sheep rectums. I just want to find me a decent Aussie sheila... and have colossal shrimp on the barbie with poisonous spiders crawling on me akubra. Even Der Wienerschnitzel doesn't sound too bad now (vision of me cradling a chilli dog like a baby in a blanket whilst saying "how could I stay mad at you?") Calm down, it will be over in a bit. It's alright, Blair. Go make yourself a cup of Solarkaffi.

EMAIL

"Thought you might find this interesting. Click on the "Magical Staves" link and there you will find several galder staves from some Icelandic grimoires. A lot of the same staves were in Stephan Flower's (a.k.a. Edred Thorsson) translation "Galdrabok" which is unfortunately out of print but turns up every now and again on ebay and half-com. Very cool site. I may have to try to scrape up some funds for an Iceland trip this year. Not that I don't have enough reasons to go to Iceland already.

REPLY:

Hi Travis, thanks for the info and the link, my friend. Hope you make to Iceland this year. When you're there, though, you might want to pass on the Hrutspungar!

MJK TATTOO IN THE NEWS

"RE: MJK Tattoo. I seem to recall reading somewhere about a process of implanting a series of hologram-similar imaging technology into the upper epidermal layers of your skin, and thus enabling different images to appear when light reflects off of these implants at different angles, much like those cheap motion baseball cards of the late 80's. I assume Keenan has consulted and found a much higher quality of imagery, resolution, and color, however."

A: Actually Daniel, he has found a very different technology altogether, but, unfortunately, I'm still not at liberty to discuss this - only to tease those interested at this point, I'm afraid. The one thing that I can say, however, is that, due to the nature of the (bio)-technology in question (as well as the cost involved), the tattoo will not be very large, and hence the "kaleidoscopic shifting" (as one person described it) will be difficult to see from a distance (even from the front row).

PIGMY LOVE CIRCUS

The "pigs" are busy putting the finishing touches on their new CD (aptly titled "The Power of Beef") which should be available shortly. One of the songs, "Swamp Creature" is already getting some local airplay, and it's creating quite a disturbance among the natives (and the other 98% of the population), or so I've been told by several gold-crucifix-laden residents as well as those who investigate paranormal activity in the area. This may be due to a couple of factors, one of which could be the intensity of Mike Savage's vocals as he bellows to sound his warning over the frenzy of drums and violent paroxysms of bass that are heavy on this particular track like a nebulous mist blanketing the noxious blooms of dense primordial thickets. However, my guess is that it has to do with an eerie high-pitched wail (hell-shriek) that can be heard at certain times, this possibly being a combination of Peter Pigmy's shrill guitar fingering and the demonic skirl of a hyena emitted by yours truly as a result of performing certain (ill-advised) rites from the Cult of the Spectral Hyaena under the silver fire of a full moon (or was it merely too many gin and tonics at the Cat&Fiddle?) Either way, because a microphone was left on in the studio, a tunnel long sealed has now been opened, and whatever non-human existence that answered the Call has passed through the rifts in the terrestrial fabric and into the normally placid streets and byways of East L.A. Stay tuned for more news about Danny's side project, Pigmy Love Circus, including an update on the band's new video, "Drug Run to Fontana." (NOTE: unfortunately, this video will NEVER be shown on MTV, VH1, etc., and anyone who has sneaked a peek at it will know why).

COLLIDE

kaRIN has informed me that "Some Kind Of Strange" is now in the process of being mastered with a release date of April 22. If you go to their website, www.collide.net, you can take a look at the artwork for the new CD. kaRIN tells me that the symbol on the cover was inspired by a passage from the "Picatrix" (Gayat al-Hakim fi'l-sihr [The aim of the Sage] by Maslamati ibn ahmad al Majriti), that famous medieval Arabic grimoire that deals with astrological and talismanic magic, the same book that got Casanova arrested by the Inquisition. Seems, kaRIN has been spending time in the Miskatonic University Library. Or did she see this lying around over at Danny's manse?

MORE EMAIL

Q: I have Maynard's water bottle in a golden silk holder. I caught it at a show in Vancouver. This won't cause any strange phenomenon will it? I have 2 kids and I would hate for their father to go missing because of some metaphysical no-no I committed.

A: I keep telling the guy that he should bottle his pee and sell it on ebay. No, as far as I know, golden silk is fine for holding Maynard's water bottle (sometimes I can't believe that I actually get paid good money for answering questions like this, but then again, I paid my dues, having gone through many lean years while acquiring this particular knowledge).

TOOLBAND (USED TO SUCK).COM

Some people have asked why I posted the Biblical quotes in response to the Toolband-sucks website (NOTE: they recently changed the name, getting rid of the "sucks" part). I did it for several reasons, but mainly as a little experiment to see if they would continue to copy (rip off) my news posts, highlighting what they considered offensive. Well, as soon as I rattled off a few Biblical quotes that seemed fairly negative in this day and age, they stopped copying what I posted. Clever, huh? Or was it because they finally realized they were in violation of copyright laws, not to mention the fact that they presented the band's lyrics and my own essays in a manner that could be seen as libelous.

CONTRADICTIONS?

And as for contradictions in the Bible, I received the following email: "allow me to share one of my favorite, though recently discovered, contradictions of the bible, since we are on the same theme:

"How have you fallen, O morning star, son of the dawn?" -Isaiah 14:12, in reference to Lucifer, The bright morning star, Helel, son of Shahar. (NOTE: My version has "How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn!")

"I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright morning star." -Revelations 22:16, quoted from Jesus (or so we presume), announcing to the world who he truly is."

A BRIEF COMMENT
(for Sunny, a fraulein in blue)

I pointed this out several years ago on the site in an essay entitled "The Star of the Magi." In the piece I attempted to explain how that most common symbol of 'the Devil', the pentagram was actually drawn by 'God's' own hand in a very occult manner, and that Jesus was privy to this information, having been initiated into Egyptian mysteries, the knowledge of which was later preserved by an "invisible college" until a more enlightened (or at least more tolerant) age. The five-pointed star, or pentagram (Star of the Magi) is traced in the sky every eight years by "the bright morning star" (i.e. Venus) when it is occulted by the sun. By doing so, the planet Venus is unique among the other planets in our solar system whose pattern of movement around the sun (as viewed from the earth) form irregular or 'meaningless' patterns (as opposed to a precise geometrical pattern). Therefore, the symbol of the pentacle was chosen by these guardians of esoteric (or just plain astronomical) knowledge that was handed down from the ancient Biblical Magi. And yes, that is probably why King Herod didn't 'see' the Star of Bethlehem, despite the fact that it's brilliance "so outshined the other stars..."

Alright, that's it - a short month and a short newsletter. Wonder if there's any leftover Magalar in the fridge? Don't want to disturb my baby, though.

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM

 
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