In the preface to the new edition of his book 'The Cosmic Trigger',
author Robert Anton Wilson wanted his readers to know that BELIEF IS THE DEATH OF INTELLIGENCE, "for as soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence." Wilson therefore claimed right from the start that he doesn't believe anything (evidently even including the final secret of the Illuminati), something that I (and other members of the band) have held to heart... until now. At least for me, this agnostic attitude no longer holds up, for in the last few days I have seen something that makes me believe with absolute certitude in the existence of a superior being that many call God. This was an interview on Linda Mouton Howe's 'Earthfiles" website of a restaurateur named Kasim Barakzia who, on March 14, while cutting open a 15-pound banana squash in his Salt Lake City Baba Afghan restaurant (55 E. 400 South), discovered that approximately 500 seeds inside the perfectly "healthy" specimen were all etched with strange markings. Upon closer examination he realized that these detailed works of art, which were engraved on both sides of the normally smooth seeds, resembled letters and symbols from several languages including English, Hebrew, Japanese, Chinese, and Hindu. In one interview, Mr. Barakzia wondered if the unusual markings might contain an important message for humankind. Also, some of the seeds contained the symbol of Allah, the Arabic word for God (NOTE: this was the only repeated symbol in the 'Afghan' squash). Commenting on this incredible occurrence, the owner of the restaurant said that he didn't think the abnormal seeds were the work of a hoaxer, but, rather, was "God's gift." And what else could it be besides a miracle from God? After all, in the nine years of slicing open such banana squash, Mr. Barakzia has never seen anything like this before. So again, I ask you, what else could be responsible for such an amazing thing?..
(my phone rings).
(it's a phone call from the surfer girl/hor...ticulturalist whose magical name is petallpynx)
A seed beetle?.. It's the work of a seed beetle or other insect, or maybe even a worm that crawled inside there, I'm informed by the little hor...ticultralist. What?
A GODDAMN SEED BEETLE! Instead of God? A seed beetle or even a lowly worm? And I was almost certain that one of the seeds in the photo (taken before Mr. Barakzia vacuum-packed them so that dozens of researchers could carefully examine the symbols) was inscribed with an Enochian letter... Shit, I guess I should have known. Looks like those guys from the LDS in Salt Lake City were right all along: If God was going to send an important message to mankind (their term), he wouldn't hide it in a banana squash! He would engrave it on golden plates and place them in a box in the woods so that they could be found by a 'farmer-type' who could later translate the symbols with magical spectacles (seer stones called Urim and Thummin that were also placed in the stone box). I can't believe that I almost lost my faith by what should have been a Simpson's episode. It was just that I was so into the idea of God scattering the all-important message on hundreds of seeds using letters and symbols from various diverse cultures and putting them inside Kasim's anomalous banana squash. And still, the thing is, if there really is a God, that's just the kind of asshole I think he/she/it would be...
and, looking around, justifiably so.