TOOL NEWSLETTER,
JANUARY, 2004 E.V.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

1.) BE MORE INFORMATIVE ON TOOLBAND

and the Tool Collective with regards to what's going on with the band itself, and not just focus so much on the subjects that are of interest to the band members. Now that they are writing and arranging the music for the next recording on a daily basis, it should be no problem for me to visit the rehearsal space at least twice a week in order to gather any pertinent news, or just to keep readers of the sites updated on how things are going in general. I'll plant myself in a lawn chair in the middle of the jams, have the silver Coleman by my side, and make sure there are fresh batteries in the portable voice recorder that I bought when Camella drove me to the Radio Shack. This way, no matter what I pack into the ice chest (ice chest? - the stainless steal Coleman is certainty more than an ice chest) I can just record my questions along with their answers. In fact, besides getting the band members to talk about the new compositions, I think it might be a really great idea to actually record some of the new music to put up on the various websites. Maybe just a few minutes of each new song or the main riffs to give people a preview of what direction the guys are heading in with the new one. No guarantees, but I might even purchase a better quality recorder for the music as the voice recorder I have isn't really that good.

While we're on the subject of the band, I've been getting lots of emails asking about MJK's vineyard, the new tattoo, the thing found when workers were planting diffuse shade trees, etc. With regards to the vineyard this person heard mentioned during a radio interview, I would suggest that he check out the archived Augustemeber 2003 e.v. newsletter and/or my interview if he/she is a member of the Tool Collective. But as to the nanotechnology tattoo, I will have to see if he's undergone the procedure yet. I rather doubt it, though, as certainly someone would have noticed this by now. But, in the words of Moribund the Burgermeister, I will find out!

There are other things I plan on delving into next month, including the possible HellBoy or Doom 3 movie/sound track, the Carey/Claypool/Belew project, the status of "Tapeworm", the glossy little square on the Salival cd/dvd booklet and the symbolic meaning of the lower case i on MJK's forehead in an old band photo.

2.) GIVE SOMETHING BACK.

Go somewhere like...say, Cuba maybe and help those who are less fortunate. Yes, go with some church/humanitarian group to Cuba. Bet on both horses. Distribute medical supplies or spark plugs for 56 Chevys. Paint a church, fix a rusty toilet, give a deserving family a Monopoly game or just empty some ashtrays of their dead soldiers. And don't do it just to drink Mojitos or smoke Cohibas. Be more sensitive to others who don't have it near as good as you do.

3.) THINK OF SOMETHING FUN AND DIFFERENT TO DO WITH MY FRIENDS.

How about an "eat-off" in BeniHana with some of my good friends. Get Danny, Adam, Wes and Sash and go to that excellent Japanese (teppanyaki-style) Steakhouse. Order the dinner, and sake and a large Kirin beer. Eat it, and then when finished order the entire meal again. Yes, I said the entire meal. The salad, the miso soup, the zucchini, onions, mushrooms, rice, side of hot sauce (that only costs 50 cents but is worth at least 75 cents). the shrimp flambé, steak and lobster, and, of course, the sake and large Kirin beer. Maybe even do it again, if that's possible (and doesn't offend the manager). But be sure to get Camella and Heather to document it, just in case Wes (hehehe) or someone else can do three. Now that sounds like a damn good way to kill another boring day in paradise, doesn't it! (NOTE: Sash and I have already done this, so I know that it can be done - provided one puts a little effort into it. And certainly, no one will mind if I drag Adam and Danny away from writing for an hour or two to have two lunches. It's not like it's going to drastically disrupt the timetables involved).

4.) GO SEE "COLLIDE" PLAY LIVE.

This I definitely need to do.

5.) FINISH MY FAAIP de OAID ARTICLE ON TOOLBAND.

It's been far too long, and it was one of strangest experiences in my life. And while I'm on the subject of that 'hidden track', it was my mentioning of the live version of Faaip de Oaid during the Lateralus tour that started this whole DVD thing. At the time I was simply commenting on the fact that during four select shows, after the house lights had come on, they were suddenly turned off so that the band could perform a LIVE hidden track which was most likely going to be included on a future live DVD. The focus was the hidden track and the accompanying visuals, synth effects, etc., not the DVD itself. Ever since then, I've been bombarded with emails asking about the release date. Admittedly, at times I've toyed with people, only because it seemed REALLY CRAZY to me that we wouldn't post the date as soon as it was known. But even after I told people this, many still thought I was being cryptic. A good case in point is the X-mas newsletter with its Toolish "'Twas The Night before Christmas." I have received hundreds of emails from people who went to extraordinary lengths to "crack the code" and give their best shot as to the release date that was "obviously encoded in the humorous verses." Some thought the number on the Hobbit Sam's* mailbox was a vital clue, others used the number of Capri cigarettes smoked by Kat, or how many Stellas I drank, etc. to come up with a date. I can tell you now that there is an embedded message in the poem, but it had nothing to do with the release date of the DVD (which has NOT yet been decided). That was a blind. To my knowledge nobody got the REAL message... but there's always next year.

* There really was talk of Trana (Tool manager Pete's wife) bringing a Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit game to the pub. After hearing this, I just wanted to tease her a bit, for you see, previously I had little interest in the trilogy, and this, much to Camella's dismay. I remember one night several months ago being up at her and Adam's house poking around to get the skinny on any possible HellBoy or Doom 3 soundtrack for my readers, when I saw a yellow postit note stuck on one of Camella's computer monitors. Written on this were the words: Get tickets for Return of the King. Not knowing what this meant, I casually asked her if this had something to do with an Elvis impersonator. Well, she looked at me as if I just called her a tramp or, even worse, a Republican: "Sometimes I don't think you know me at all", the blonde Medusa pierced me with her stare. Instead of turning me into stone, from that moment on it was her stated mission to bring me up to speed on "The Lord of the Rings.". All three films (EXTENDED VERSIONS) in little more than a week at the Arclight. Anyway, that's why I was so keen to topple Trana's 'Trivial Persuit' crown. Which I'm pleased to say I didn't.

6.) FIND A CURE FOR THE DEFICIENTCY OF VENUS OTHER THAN THE GLITTER OF THE SNOW.

Maybe chocolate laced with ambergris? Subliminal audio tapes? Chopped dove hearts on a pizza?

7.) USE ALOKE'S X-MAS GIFT.

Hint: it came inside his X-mas card. (NOTE: damn the tabla master was good the other night at the Knitting Factory. I think this exceptional performance was due to all the monitors that surrounded him, more than I've seen at any Metallica concert).

8.) NO MORE FREAKIN' IN-N-OUT

(burgers, that is, I still like the other thing).

That's right, not after what happened last week. I'm waiting in the drive through when the person driving the colossal SUV in front of me decides they don't want to go through with it after all. Without looking in their rearview mirror this person backs into the silver race car (me). An anorexic* actress and her pet Chihuahua, no doubt planning on ordering the secret code #? for the 'Atkins' burger wrapped in lettuce, climbs out of the damn thing to see what kind of damage she's caused. Now, rarely does the heathen near-vegan do fast food, but when he does, he only trusts Xtian places like IN-N-OUT who flaunt quotes from the Biblical book of Revelation on their paper sacks of hamburgers. Maybe next time I'll go back to Tommy Burger to see if Jesus is still working the graveyard shift. Although it kind of freaked me out the last time when I pulled up with "Old Evil" and we received a "God bless you!" as we were handed our greasy chili-burgers. Or maybe I'll go with Camella to the Border and get a Chicken Chalupa Supreme. What are there jewels on the f***ing thing?

*Please don't send me emails. I know it's a serious medical condition, and I've even tried feeding several girls with possible borderline eating disorders (they picking the rice off their sushi rolls?). It's not funny, but neither is polydactylism, although that, at least, would help in picking the rice off a sushi roll. Blame Hollywood.

9.) GO SEE RADIOHEAD.

The last time, Danny and I just sat in the Heineken tent behind the stage. Did I mention that we were in Holland?

 

10.) FIND A PURPLE TEE-SHIRT (medium)...

And maybe wear it to RadioHead.

11.) WRITE A BOOK

of mystical verses. Just sit down and do it. You already have a couple of prose-poems finished, and everyone's always telling you to write a book. So do it already!

12.) INVENT MORE NEW HOLIDAYS.

Like the Eve of New Year's Eve that I spent with Kat. What a perfect night to party (not to mention that it confuses the shit out of the donut crumbs). I'm also thinking of adding January 23/24 to the list, but only one person in the world will know why.

13.) DON'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME WATCHING MY BELOVED RAIDERS.

Maybe don't even go up to Oakland next year to see them beat Danny's Chiefs. Sure the tailgate is the really important thing here, and the world's most famous Coleman looks damn impressive with it's stainless steel silver and black, but what about the team on the gridiron itself? Commitment to Excellence? Bullshit! Although there is one thing about the Raiders that I don't think many people have yet considered. And this is the Knights Templar connection. One look at their logo should make it rather obvious that if modern Templar Knights played football, they would play (or at lest pray) for the silver and black. Not convinced merely by the near momento mori of their logo (similar to the Templars' skull&crossbones). Then how about the Templar/Oak Island connection? Acorns don't float.

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM

 
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