TOOL NEWSLETTER,
APRIL, 2004 E.V.
NEOMENIUM

The latest Tool webcast continues to vex me. First it was a certain amount of confusion as to the date that it was to be recorded. I was in Sedona with the glittering djofullinn sipping a Shiraz at Pizza Picasso when the indigo LED of the SILJCELL began flashing. This was Kat kindly suggesting that I check in with Camella. Even with all the disinhibitory agents at my disposal, in my head I'm thinking:

"I know the webcast is on Friday, March 11th. No problem. If I leave the sparkling red rocks on Wednesday, that will give Graves and I plenty of time to sort through the questions submitted by the brightest bulbs of the Tool Collective. So I continue to study the menu, all the while designing what is sure to be my masterpiece pie (cheese-less, of course, but with veggies arranged in a most abstract manner to form hidden harlequins).

A dinner setting without two forks later, as I was driving home from Phoenix on Wednesday, there's another missed call on the SILJCELL (I don't own a cell-phone and, hence, can be MIA for daze at a time). This one's from Camella, asking its owner to have me call her... pronto. When we got service somewhere amongst the desert southwest saguaro cacti, I called to assure Camella that I was aware that the webcast was on Friday. "It's tomorrow, Thursday the 11th she informed me in a breaking-up Camella-calm voice. So, my plan to hunt for rare books in Phoenix had gone straight to Marie Callander on a Sunday afternoon hell. More, importantly, the barn of books that I've tried to stop at once before while returning from Sedona would also have to wait. "The third time is the charm" I eased the news to the Siljmonster. With a haughty Icelandic frown, the Wicking hissed something to the effect that as long as she didn't have to hear me whine about not stopping to book hunt all the way back to L.A., she was perfectly down with it. A few minutes later, I told her that I was mortified... horrified... Little hor..ticulturistfied... that we weren't stopping at that barn. "I know there's something in there... something on the list that Danny keeps in his wallet... I can feel its gold-bordered vellum pages calling out to me... This is most certainly "one of the thousand natural shocks that the flesh is heir to" I quoted from Hamlet. It wasn't exactly vagina dentate, but I detected a rather nasty look as the Siljmonster turned away and grabbed a Corona submersed in the silver Coleman, bracing herself for seven more hours of this. It did appear, however, as if some of the roadside saguaro cacti were flipping me off. "Even if I have to take a menstrual-blood consecrated AbraMelin square with me, I'm going back to that barn and finding me a treasure!" (That was me talking, not a glittering djofullinn).

METHYPNOX

So a few weeks go by, and a few of the burned out bulbs from Tool Collective begin complaining. It's the same people over and over again. Some are getting rather pissy that they don't have "their" webcast yet, and vent their frustration by sending me nasty emails.

Well, I've got my deflection doll, so I don't give a shit (remind me to change the bag where their wrath is stored). Besides, why do these people think it's up to me to see that it gets posted by a certain date? It's not my decision; it's the band's decision. We were editing out the extraneous noise and verbal place holders, and MORE IMPORTANTLY Adam thought that the guys might record themselves jamming* (Adam, Justin, and Danny) and include it at the end of the webcast where I am speaking (the additional TA stuff). But, if these few people are in such a hurry... As I said, I'm shielded by my deflection doll.

* This jam, however, will not be on the new TOOL album, nor anywhere else, but is exclusive to the TOOL Collective.

So there you have it, my continued commitment to make good on New Year resolution #1. Obviously I passed with flying colors on #2, nibbling on cats and dogs along the way. I think I found a cure for the deficiency of Venus, although I still haven't deployed Aloke's X-mas gift. #8's been easy, and #9 and #10 are about to happen. This will occur at Coachella, thanks to friends Brad and Amy, the latter of which I'm still looking for that special hard-to-find APC item for her birthday present. If I can't locate this on my own, I may have to call upon others for help... who knows, maybe even MJK himself. Hopefully the purple tee shirt of #10 will come from Scott Borland's website (Wes' brother), www.ppdiapers.com. Although I didn't see a purple one with Scott's artwork on it amongst all the swag in the Cafepress shop, I'll bet a used one of Aloke's X-mas gift that he has access to at least one in that particular hue. Which leaves #10... and there is good news out of the COLLIDE camp that I will most certainly post next week.

EMAIL

Blair,

Howdy, I know this may sound strange, but i was just watching the trailer for a somewhat new Jenna Jameson movie and Die Eier Von Satan is playing throughout the whole thing. At first I thought it was just a co-inky-dink, but it's the real deal. Only thing is the lyrics have been slowed down. I have included the link to the trailer. The music starts at about the 20 second mark. Just wanted to know if the band had authorized this or not.

REPLY

It was NOT authorized. Some Good Samaritan, possibly a competitor of "Vivid", emailed to tip me off about this several months ago. I was then given the difficult task of checking out the Vivid site to see if they were in fact using Tool's music. Although this wasn't my kind of thing, I thought long and hard about it, and decided that I should get to the bottom of it. So after examining the trailer, and listening to the background music, I came to the startling conclusion that this was indeed "The Eggs of Satan" (Danny's drum samples being a dead giveaway).

After informing the guys about this, I believe Tool's management took the proper legal action.

Blair,

Good evening,

I recall one of your posts awhile back... you were "diligently" searching for the meaning of Lobal Orning...

From the Topanga Messenger:

"In keeping with the shop's idiosyncratic nature, its name, "Lobal Orning," is comprised of two made-up words.

"It means decorating your mind," Justin translates. "'Lobal,' like the lobes of the brain, and 'orning' as in ornaments.""

Certainly you have already found this out...

By the way, I noticed there was no mention of Tool (directly) in the article. This delights me so much that Lobal Orning isn't being whored out as "the Tool bass player's store." Back in late January, I called the store out of curiosity (from the post at toolband.com)... After a few basic questions (and realizing with whom I was speaking) we both had a laugh at how small the world was. Humility is such a beautiful thing.

REPLY:

Yes, I was completely blown away when I first discovered this. Here I had chanced upon the store while driving around in Topanga Canyon one lazy afternoon. Then after posting something on the site that I was diligently trying to figure out what the strange name, Lobal Orning, meant, I was later to find out that it was owned and named by a member of the very band whose site I was writing for. Talk about a coincidence.

CUBA EMAIL:

What's up Blair. I went to Cuba in February with my family for three weeks to meet my family in Cuba for the first time. My father is Cuban and has been back a few times in the past few years. We were granted visas for us to visit the island which took like 3 months to get approved and were only valid for a month. We flew out of Miami on a A319 Taca flight to Camaguey where I spent most of the time. I also got a chance to go to Havana for a few days and Cienfuegos. As you have seen the country is completely destroyed and they would practically do anything for a dollar. Doctors selling tomatoes on the street just for some extra cash.

I could write a hell of a lot about my experience there but I'm sure you're busy with other stuff so I'll keep it short. I went to a few cemeteries to pay my respects to my relatives and I found out that instead of burying the bodies what they do is bury them for a year then take the bodies out, clean the bones and put the rest of the remains in a box made of stone. On the outside they put some numbers and initials for tracking purposes. The boxes are all stored in a little buildings in the cemetery. Each year most of the people go there to put flowers and dust off the bones.

All those rotting coffins you saw were recently dug up to take the bones out and put them in a box. They just keep reusing the same plots for the next body. All the bodies that aren't claimed are thrown on a pile like the one you found. Santeria is a big thing in Cuba and most of them go to steal bones from the cemeteries for there rituals but they mostly try to get the bones of Chinese people because they say they have more power that the other bones. I really don't know why but that's what they do.

You might have seen a lot of Santeros in the street walking around wearing just white. Everything white, shirt, pants, shoes, hats... The picture with the distance to Miami and other places and BAYAMO 666, the only place that I could think of is BAYAMON a small city in Puerto Rico. I didn't get a chance to eat any mangos there either. My uncle has a mango tree in the backyard but they weren't going to be ripe for another few months. I ate a hell of a lot of pork in those three weeks. Every which way you could think of, we even roasted one on a stick turning the dame thing for like 7 hours.

Another funny thing in Cuba: The farmers there need permission from the government to kill a cow. That's why the only place you could eat beef are in the hotels for tourists. If you ate something outside the hotels and they told you it was beef, there's no way in hell it was beef. You probably ate cat or dog meat. During the beginning of the "special period" people were taking old rags a soak them in water and vinegar and let them sit till it became a mush. They would them form them in a shape of a hamburgesa and fry them and sell them to people. They would actually eat it and think they were eating meat. I have a lot of other stories but I won't bore you. If you ever go back to Cuba you have to go to Foridita where they first made the Daiqeris and La Bodegita del Medio where they first made el mojito. They make the best drinks there.

I have to say getting back in to the states with quite a few bottles of Havana Club 7 ano anejo and boxes of Cohibar siglo III and siglo II was not a problem. You're actually allowed to bring a certain amount. I think it was like $100 dollar worth of cigars, $200 dollars worth of anything else excluding paintings, sculptures, anything else to do with art. If you have any questions or want any info let me know and I'll try to help you out.

Take Care, Rob.

I went to China few years ago and you really didn't see Communism around you. You could get whatever you wanted there without a problem. In Cuba you can't get anything and you see all the political propaganda. Whether it would be the face of Fidel, Raul, Che, or Camilo Cienfuego on a banner.




EMAIL ABOUT THE PENTAGRAM SEEN IN ADAM'S PHOTO

Dear Blair--

It's quite possible the "star" pattern in the last photograph is an old surface-to air (SAM) missile site. my father was a pilot in the Vietnam war and when he saw this photo he mentioned to me that it was soviet doctrine to have 5 or 6 SAM missiles placed in a star pattern with the radar and control van in the middle, allowing the ability to fire at targets 360 degrees around the site, and giving the whole area a star or pentagram shape, depending on the angle in which you view it. The star pattern also was for safety, if the site was attacked by aircraft, a bomb just hitting one missile would not destroy or cause the radar or other missiles to be damaged or destroyed also, one reason why cluster bombs were developed. The object in the middle of the pentagram sure doesn't look like a radar van to me, and if that is Fidel's house, it's definitely in a secure spot.

It's a good bet that the circles where the SAM missiles would have been are now defensive machine-gun nests and the wide open views allow his protectors the ability to be forewarned of approaching intruders. That's just my guess, who knows, the pentagram thing could have a whole other meaning. But given Cuba's history, my guess is that it's an old missile site.

-Chris

REPLY:

This email came with attached spy photos of a Cuban SAM site circa 1962. There are similarities, but the site dating from the Cold War Period is much better camouflaged.

I also received lots of emails concerning the "Cuban Salt Crisis." Everyone suggested adding a few grains of rice to the shaker. Why don't the people at the restaurant do that? Shortage of rice, maybe? Sure would make that cat and dog taste better, though.

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM

 
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