For...Miss July!
NE1469 Virginia plates - how clever

I've received lots of email about the June/Miss July newsletter, maybe even more than the March 2003 e.v. issue which featured the mysterious symbols etched by the very hand of God on seeds in Kasim Barakzia's banana-squash. Here's just a few examples (of the emails):

"IT'S AN ANOMALY IN THE SYSTEM OF BLAIR"

Blair-
Good day to you, sir, I was just writing in inquiry about a curious anomaly I have observed regarding your choice of media and other consumable forms in the exploits you mentioned in present and past esteemed Tool newsletters. One thing that strikes anyone who takes the time to study the influences of the band is the consistency of their comparative obscurity. Nick Cave, Bill Hicks are a few examples, though they are admittedly hard to formulate due to the fact that the media in question often become popularized once they are introduced through the band or their constituents' influence.

This esoteric thematic trend carries over to your own studies, preferences, and exploits, Blair, mentioned in detail in the newsletters. But laying aside the trivial exceptions, Football for example, there is only this one anomaly to this trend that really strikes me as significant.

Fahrenheit 9/11 may have started out as obscure, but once people started to wake up a little bit it took hold quite well. But you mentioned it on the site when it was released, and Michael Moore's hilarious air-brushing job in the latest newsletter. But come on, man, Moore is being hacked to pieces by angry letters on Fox News. I've seen you cite books on the toolband website that I can't find at the university library I work at, which carries somewhere over a million volumes and a serviceable, if not extravagant, demonology section. My question to you is; why this exception? I can throw at you dozens of authors who cover the political field a bazillion times better than Moore, at the very least the fellows that Moore mined much of his information from, contemporary and classic. If you hate Moore so much yet can't deny the validity of his message, why not Robert Newman, Greg Palast, Noam Chomsky, Stephen Jay Gould? At least you would have to drive to Barnes and Noble to have heard of them.

BLAIR's REPLY:
It's no surprise that you're having trouble finding these obscure titles mentioned in the university library you work at. Many books dealing with esoteric subject matter are stolen, especially out of print or rare occult books. In public libraries, or so I've been told, the book which is most often stolen is The Holy Bible, with books on the occult being a close second. I think auto repair manuals are third. As for Michael Moore, I certainly don't hate him or even his message. All I was saying is that I think Miss July covers a skeleton better ... or should I say nicer than he does. That's it. However, if given a choice of say, would I rather have Neapolitan sex with a Miss July caliber women or see Bush lose the erection... I mean election, I'd have to go with Bush losing the election (and not STILL winning this time). But my question to you, sir, is this: If given the same choice, what would Robert Newman, Greg Palast, Noam Chomsky, and Steven Jay Gould do? I suspect Cialis-enhanced Vanilla sex with the Miss July type might just win out. And one more thing to keep in mind. If you really want to know the truth about America, read two paragraphs in "Our Secret Government" - Booklet No. 49 distributed by the Cinema Educational Guild. Does the name Felix Frankfurter ring a bell?
P.S. I don't know who these Barnes and Noble guys are.

"MISS JULY"

Blair,
I just wanted you to know miss July goes to my gym in Virginia Beach...funny you should mention Hooter's here...btw, she's hotter in person...

BLAIR's REPLY:
Well the photographer, air-brush/Photoshop technicians will certainly be glad to hear that. Actually, I just took a wild guess that there is a Hooters in Virginia Beach. Go figure. Still, I'd rather have Buffalo wings and mugs of Coors lite at the Virgina Beach Hooters than the other place that we never talk about: namely, Branson, Misery. Do you think there's a Hooters in Branson? You might be surprised. They've "The Bearded Clam", "Bald Knobbers", "Ruby Tuesday" and "Contrary Mary's." Pure evil - the place we don't ever talk about: namely, Branson, Misery.

"117"

Miss July must be involved in the Priere du Sion. The Playboy mansion houses the Holy Graal, and Hugh Heffner is the Grand Master. 117.

BLAIR's REPLY:
Yes, that's why I underlined her weight (117 lbs). The manSION certainly houses a Holy Graal, albeit with watered-down Starfire*, but keep in mind that the POS has had in the past female grand-masters. So don't rule out Miss July.
* Even so, I wouldn't mind taking a quaff with the vampyre's golden straw.

"QUESTION FOR THE TOOL NEWSLETTER"

RETITLED: "MISS JULY - LIQUOR BOX"
(Please apply phonetic cabala and a ribald imagination)

First off, just wanted to say I enjoy your "newsletters" (if you can call them that.) Your ramblings on matters of the occult and ribald tales of carousing make for a somewhat amusing read.

My question is this:

When do your faithful, devoted readers ( I include myself in that company) get to see a picture of this exalted COLEMAN cooler, or icebox or beertub or whatever you call it???

You would think this cooler is one of the wonders of the known universe, the way you prattle on about the damned thing, peppering your tales constantly with references to the "SILVER COLEMAN".

I wonder....do you have some sort of endorsement deal? Do they provide you with a stipend for each mention of their brand name? Will you be prefacing your turgid prose with..."brought to you by....COLEMAN"?????

Just curious.....and GET US A PHOTO OR 3 of the damnnable ice chest.

P.S. Coleman is a quite well known and loved company up here in Canada.....they make lovely camping stuff. I own a trusty green propane cookstove that was passed down to me from an uncle who dropped it in a raging river and after fishing it out, had it working in 10 minutes.

BLAIR's REPLY:

Now that you mention it, they probably should be paying me (you, too - pretty good ad). And since it's not just for beer, but for keeping a variety of distillations chilled, let's call it a liquor box. With that in mind, I'll get it up soon.

"MISS JULY"

Tasteful women keep their beauty a little understated, not all dolled up or spread out in a mag.

Granted, she's a knock out, but there are a lot of great looking women, why ogle over a woman who probably has self-esteem issues. She also sounds pretty superficial.

Anyway, I don't think you're her Cowpoke!

I know you're in LA and you senses become a little skewed after prolonged exposure to silicon impants and botox, but unless you are just looking at her as piece of meat, you can do better!

BLAIR's REPLY:

Then how do you explain Anna Nicole Smith? I think this e-mailer wants Miss July for himself. He lives in North (not South) Carolina. Also, I think he's a little confused. C'mon, silicon implants and botox - that's the stuff of science fiction. Just because I live in LA, don't confuse Hollywood SCIFI with REALITY. But, okay, I'll keep telling myself that I can do better. I have a silver Coleman. I can do better. I have a silver Coleman.

"MISS JULY"

So after reading your rather vivid recollections of the many perils of miss July....I thought it might be nice to respond and say great job on keeping up the website...and keeping up on miss July(wow) is she hot or what......anyway I recently had the opportunity to meet Myrle?aka Danny Carey at a P.L.C. show and I must say what a great guy...and I was blown away by their set.....and pete and john and mike and shep were fucking awesome.....so if "you" being the well connected person you are could pass along my thank and my blessings that would be super great.....thanx again, and sorry for not using a comma!

BLAIR's REPLY:

Sorry, this is about Danny Carey, not Miss July, who is the focus of the June and July Tool newsletters.

"DO ME A FAVOR BLAIR"

It's bad enough I get pummeled day in and day out that I don't deserve to be living because I am not blonde, a d cup, and a size 2 or less but know I have the extra joy of going on to my favorite bands website, to whom I paid money, and to be reminded again of my inadequacies as a woman...

DON'T

BLAIR's REPLY:

Damn, even my own girlfriend sent me a nasty email. Okay, the drone in the song Mantra is actually Maynard's Siamese cat (electronically processed). That should make you feel better. Also, it's not that hard to be a blonde these days (if you want to). Just go to Rite-Aide and get a little box of hair color. And someday the Hollywood SCIFI stuff of silicon implants and botox mentioned earlier may actually become a reality. I believe it will, and then anyone will be able to look like Miss July.

"MISS JULY"

".at the very least, I think my fellow Memphian should get comp tickets and a back stage pass the next time Tool plays a venue near where she lives (or, even better yet, a seat on the silver Coleman by the sound board). What do y'all think?"

O.K. Blair, I want what you offered Miss July. So, here's the deal. I'm a Playboy quality girl (got approached by them a few months ago to test for playmate), I was born in July, and I love Tool, how much more perfect a candidate could I be, aside from actually being Miss July. So keeping these assets in mind Blair, tell me, do I get the reward or do I need the official title first. I'm not sure Playboy's for me, but a back stage pass to Tool just might be worth stripping down for.

BLAIR's REPLY:

Finally! Pay dirt. I am going to personally see to it that the band starts jamming six. no seven days a week (and on Holidays as well), so we can get to that next tour. And don't say "might" you magnificent Playboy quality homo sapien - a back stage pass to Tool is definitely worth stripping down for. Liquor box here we go. the Coleman awaits you!

"PLC T-SHIRT"

About a year ago, a guy wrote to you asking for advice on how to pick up a stripper he was all hot over. Of your many suggestions, you told him to wear a PLC shirt the next time he saw her. Honestly, I thought you were full of crap. But I bought the shirt anyway. Well, I can honestly say there is something too the shirt. Whenever I wear it, mostly in large public areas, at least two women will ask me about the shirt. But Blair, it finally happened. A guy came up to me and asked about the shirt. First time in a year. My question to you, is it time to buy a new shirt?

BLAIR's REPLY:

Whew! At first I thought this guy was going to say that by taking MY advice and wearing a PLC t-shirt he was able to pick up Miss July. Maybe the guy in question asked about the shirt while trying to decide if he should get one in order to pick up chicks (and please, the proper nomenclature is exotic dancer). In any event, you probably should buy another PLC shirt. They've new ones now, and the results will blow your ... mind.

"LOST ACROSS 3 DISCS (?)"

I just bought DOOM 3 for PC, is there ANY Tool music on this like promised? is the main title music some new Tool piece? I'd like a reply (how ever cryp*ic)

P.S. i spent a good 2 hours(!!) getting it to work on my PC and to find any trace of a Tool file.

BLAIR's REPLY:

What does this have to do with Miss July?

"MISS JULY"

I just wanted to say, that I loved the July newsletter. I found it absolutely gorgeous how you spoke about the beautiful Tabubu. It also made me think, because I feel the exact same way about a person who lives on the other side of the world (well Finland...but I guess that is the other side of the world when you live in Australia).

Someone I have never met, yet knew before I even researched into their music and them...it was bizarre because I knew his birthday, I knew his favorite things, the way he grew up, etc and I have never even met him! It was so strange because they weren't things you could have guessed, but they were things that i just knew...I don't know how...

I've read numerous books about past lifes, but I haven't actually heard, seen or read about anyone feeling the way I do, until now. Anyways, as I said I really loved the newsletter. It was very passionate, though provoking and quite brilliant! It is an amazing experience you're going through and I hope you do what you think is right, never mind what others say...your intuition is always right.

BLAIR's REPLY:

Thank you, but I'm not really sure that you should be comparing the afterlife with Finland. I kind of see it, though. Also, it was the June newsletter that was posted in July.

"MISSJULY"

Blair, child of introspective implications.

i live in jackson, mississippi. a 2 and a half hour ride from memphis. i was wondering..have you been there? and if so..did you get a chance to visit the pyramid? perhaps its architecture and purpose would steal a bit of your attention. if you have time, i pose a question to you.... what do you think of crowley's 777 and other cabalistic writings. i have been reading it now for about a week. do you speak hebrew?

BLAIR's REPLY:

A PYRAMID IN MEMPHIS!!! Right! Sure! What's next, a white castle in Southern Illinois? The London Bridge in Arizona? As for 777, give it more than a week to sink in. No, I don't speak Hebrew, but there's something that I'd like to quote from SEPHER REZIAL HEMELACH (The Book of the Angel Rezial) edited and translated by Steve Savedow: " When seeking to locate hidden treasure, and bring forth silver and gold buried in the earth, take the gold tzietz, purified seven-fold. Write upon it the letters of the name of holiness and purity. Bind it with a purple cord. Bring forth a white dove and tie the purple cord around its neck. Then it flies with the sign into the air: Follow the dove on foot. The place it descends is the secret place. If it descends in a city, stand upon a roof top. Walk around seven times. When in the day, speak the names of the Sun in the seasons. In the night, speak the names of the Moon in the seasons."

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM