SEPTEMBER, 2005 e.v.

For all those people (with their constant ranting!) that just can't wait for the new Tool album, I'd like to share this email that I received:


"Blair, as much as the anticipation for the new album can drive my mind into a paradox of pondering, the select updates you provide do temporarily whet my appetite. I would only hope that the band takes their proper process in completing a piece of work that they could be proud of, so that we appreciators of their craft can embrace it as a piece of work that four people had an uncompromised vision on. The music of TOOL (and a certain funky fungi) has in select small and large ways changed the way I view life, I hope that they take all the time they need, I'll be waiting patiently."


Well, Mister Patience, that's easy for you to say. Personally, I'm getting sick and tired of waiting for "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band On The Dark Side Of The Moon." I wish they'd just hurry up with the damn thing (even though I've heard it about a hundred times already) and put it on the shelves at Tower! They should just throw some slick generic packaging together, hire a hot-shot director that likes to hang out in the cafes on Franklin to shoot a video, this time with the band members playing their instruments, maybe some nice cars and girls asses (hello, no brainer!), with lots of match cuts, dissolves, keeping it MTV-friendly (just put some ice in the cooler, get a crane and shoot the f***er already!)... I mean, let's keep it simple this time and get the CD in the big chains! How about a black cover and calling it... "The Black Album"... or "The Whiter Album" (with a whiter cover than the Beatles used!) or even "The Purple Album." It doesn't matter! Sometimes you just have to toss a coin, like they should have done when trying to decide which Zeppelin song to put on Salival (instead, they chose "No Quarter" for whatever reason, and I don't think it was because these gazillionaires didn't have a freaking coin to flip!). And I've kind of had with all these damn side projects as well: other bands, films, videos, benefits, restaurants, taxidermy, art collecting, wine making, cars, bars, cigars, stuffed night-jars, looking at Mars, etc.! Freeing Tibet! What the hell for? From what I've heard, there's nothing there but Yak dung and Blue Sheep shit (at the higher altitudes). Termas? My asoka! I learned everything I need to know about Tibet from watching "Bullet-Proof Monk" in the recording studio while the band waited for more Dolby units, just because there was some faint noise on the track. Jiminy Cricket, I would have left it there for those who are going to listen to the CD on their Koss headphones about a thousand times!

If it's side projects they're interested in, well maybe they should just do that instead! Any of these guys can be replaced (or how about the whole band with completely new members selected by the original band members on live television! No body's done that yet!). Just like that guy from INXS. That was pure genius, and they really KICK ASS NOW! That's what CORN should have done after that one guy found Jesus. And while I'm on the subject of the SECOND coming of Jesus, I'm pretty sure that he's already here on the earth! Yep, he's 'Doctor' Phil and Oprah shit him out of her... ass! Gotta be cuz this guy's everywhere, dispensing good advice in my humble abode... and my television isn't even turned on! You tell me how he manages that, David Blaine!

At night, he's in my dreams, telling me shit like: "Now Blair, you shouldn't look for jewels in a box of Cracker-Jack. Instead, you should look for jewels in a jewelry store, although it's alright to eat a box of Cracker-Jack in the jewelry store. Do you understand the difference here?" "Thank you, 'Doctor' Phil! I mean, doesn't that sound just like J.C. It's just like in The Gospel of Philip: "Glass decanters and earthenware jugs are both made by means of fire. But if glass decanters break, they are done over, for they came into being through a breath. If earthenware jugs break, however, they are destroyed, for they came into being without breath." Okay, fine, but what about aluminum cans? Speaking of earthenware jugs, J.C., that Magdalene sure had some nice... "Think not that I am come to destroy the law or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill... Till heaven and earth shall pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law..." As for Mary, a wise man (I think it was the lead guitarist for "Dust") once said: "It matters not one hump or two, take care of your machine in whatever you do."

Now where was I?.. Oh yeah, TOOL!.. I'm not going to reveal my source, Mister Patience, but do you want to know the kind of things that have been going on while this record was being recorded? Okay, first there was the decoy record just to confound all those would-be bootleggers out there. This took, oh, about a year, just because the band members wanted it to sound pretty close to the real thing (so as to be believable), along with equally believable art design. When they weren't working on this grand deception, there were other pleasant distractions, such as July 4th 'barbecues with Boar's Head dogs and Icelandic Barbie totally naked by the Jacuzzi, concerts at the Hollywood bowl with a nest of diamonds overhead (alright, a planet, two stars and a noisy police helicopter), velvet-roped "Family Guy" premieres, sailing in the blue Pacific, watching the Dodgers lose while drinking eleven-dollar watered-down Budweiser because they don't sell Czechvar or Sam Adam's "Utopias" at Chavez Ravine (that will be the day... yeah, when Aloke is asked to play the National Anthem on his Bengali bongos)., and here I was with my severe cenosillicaphobia, sitting between Adam and Buzz with only thirty-three dollars in my pocket, watching home runs and fireworks behind the Orange Curtain with L.A.'s latest acquisition (i.e. the Angels),.. and free Hooter's Buffalo wings if they win by 10 runs or more... and they DIDN'T (the fix was on at nine!)

And then try to imagine what when on in the studio itself (this time while recording the real CD). "Sure we could send a runner for take-out from Arbys, but instead of Big Montanas, let's grill marinated salmon in the parking fact, let's pull the plug, board our Tool Lear jet and go to Alaska and catch the salmon ourselves."

Add to this mad scientist-invented seven-sided electronic percussion pads, vanity plates, secret burgers, sending BMB to Shibuya to record samples of cross-walk symphonies and dawn chorus effects from the local observatory (if by local, you mean on the deer- invested island of Miyajima!), slide shows on the G4 with Selma Hayek, asking engineer Joe Barresi all kinds of stupid questions like "Do you want candied walnuts in your butter lettuce salad?", replacing amp tubes, strings, drum-heads and charcoal briquettes after every session! I'm sorry, but next time I hope they just keep it simple! Just kick out some really wicked jams like the Mars Volta, put it on tape, let Bob Ludwig do his thing, slap some art on that bad boy and let's stock it in the big chains! There's no such thing as Martians, so put away your comic books and try writing about the really important issues! Jesus! What if I took my sweet old time with my famed newsletters... maybe posted September in October? You want to see what that's like? I'll bet you don't! Patience... Jesus! Who has the time?

Alright, what other email have we? Here's a fairly good one (albeit answered years ago):


"hi. I have listened to song "Die Eier Von Satan" for a thousand of time but yet I have not get what does it mean. When it has been translated to ENGLISH it looks like a receipt. I am sure that it does not mean at least about food. If you are not allowed to say that, at least please give me a hint. I am getting crazy. I am a modern Satanism but I have not heard of it. Plz help me."


It's a recipe for cookies that Marko Fox's grandmother used to bake for him as a child (miraculously, without using eggs as an ingredient). Of course you have to substitute the eggs with a magical incantation from the worm-eaten pages of some moldering grimoire. However, as long as this isn't tampered with - looped, slowed down or played backwards there really isn't much danger. Otherwise, all kinds of calamities might occur, but who'd be stupid enough to tamper with it... loop it, slow it down or play it backwards?


"I'm contacting you to inquire/inform you of a matter that has recently come to my attention... My best friend was showing me his wide ranging collection of dvd porn the other day... and the particular flick that caught my eye was one titled Bella Loves Jenna, starring none other than Jenna Jameson and Bella Donna. Now, the peculiar thing about this otherwise run-of-the-mill porno is that during the title screen and various parts of the movie, is that there is what first sounds like warped music and someone using devil speak. However on closer listening one discovers that not only is it NOT devil speak, but it is actually someone chanting rather emphatically in German. Sound familiar yet?

Well anyways, I then listened even more closely and discovered that the entire track was merely a loop of a portion of Die Eier Von Satan slowed down to an almost undiscernable pace. I am unaware if this was sanctioned by the band or its label, or even if you guys care, I just thought I'd point it out. It'll be interesting to hear your response (if indeed you do respond), and I apologize in advance if you already posted about this on the site or in one of your famed newsletters."


Okay... I'm trying to put my finger on it... Yes, Yes. Yes... I did address this when it came to my attention years ago. I thought Tool's management contacted Vivid Entertainment after I volunteered to check out the tease they put together. I thought we'd got to the bottom of it... nipped it in the bud, but evidently not... which means that... (I'm sure glad 'Doctor' Phil is here to fix things!)... If these young ladies like doing this kind of thing so much, then perhaps they should perform these various acts LIVE during a Tool concert when that particular piece is being played. The folk of Osseous Labyrint are good, but this might even be better!

Alright, let's randomly pick one final email... Here's one that was sent to KAT:


"I've been a devoted fanatic of Tool since before TA. I frequented Toolband often before this site was created. I would just like to thank everyone who is involved in giving us these places in cyberspace. Thank you for being the embodiment of all that is Tool. The art, music, news, exclusives, people and places. Those of us who truly know that Tool is timeless. This is a band that will be remembered for eons. Thank you for inviting us to be a miniscule part of this wonderful entity. Eternally yours, Bloo Mune"

As Kat replied when she forwarded it to me: "this only happens once in a..."


Merch, send this person a free lenticular key-chain. 'Doctor' Phil, I hope you're reading, especially the part about "eternally yours" and just remember this from the Holy Bible (or was it underneath a milkshake cup from In N Out?)... and I quote: "I am one that bear witness of myself" (-John 8:18 [J.C. speaking] AND "If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true." (-John 5:31 [J.C. speaking]. And finally, with my severe cenosillicaphobia, especially with the borders between life and death temporarily disappearing as Samhain/Halloween approaches, what could be more frightening then this?.. "the hour is coming, in which all that are in the graves shall hear his word, and shall come forth..." (-John 5:28-29) OR ... "as the cloud is consumed and vanisheth away; so he that goeth down to the grave shall come up no more." (-Job 7:9). Huh?



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