TOOL NEWSLETTER
AUGUST 2016, E.V.


I had planned for this month’s newsletter to be about a new course offered by select colleges and universities that will certainly be of interest to many Tool enthusiasts. The class is entitled, “Introduction, Production & Interpretation of Music Videos By Tool”, and is described in the curriculum guide as being an accelerated course about the band’s critically acclaimed video concepts. Now, I’m not trying to be anyone’s academic adviser – no, not this underachiever, who barely graduated from Miskatonic U. (go Black Goats!) – but just wanted to mention the prescribed requirements, credit hours, and enrollment details. I was also going to include a short interview with Adam Jones about his feelings on the new course, and whether or not he was going to participate in any way, such as classroom lectures or demonstrations of the video process via Google Hangouts tutorials, etc.? However, just as I was about to start typing, my attention was directed to some unread Tool email that urgently needed to be addressed.

One of the messages had the subject heading of “Free Advertising”, while another read, “Tool and Mickey D’s.” All were from Tool fans letting me know about something that they noticed while eating at McDonald’s. This was an advertising photo on their tray liner that depicted a happy “I’m Lovin It” family of four with the father wearing a classic TOOL tee shirt. (Note: The shirt is called, “Phurba” and depicts a stylized Buddhist ritual implement, although, in the spirit of McZen - what with golden arches, Happy Meals and such - I don’t think any Buddhist monks will get too upset in being associated with what’s on the McDonald’s menu.) The link below will take you to a photo of the tray liner that was posted on the reddit website.

VIEW

As to my reply: I honestly didn’t know anything about the ‘Tool’ tray liner (After all, there’s an Inn ‘N Out close to where I live), and don’t know if anyone associated with the band is aware of it, or, for that matter, if they even give a McShit?

No, I didn’t know about the Mickey D’s thing, but, unless someone close to the band is pulling my leg, I did hear that another fast food chain – whatchamacallit – has purposed selling a special Danny Carey drumstick. Let me think… It isn’t Chick-Fil-A (of course!), and not Churchs Chicken either. Nor is it Popeyes, Roscoes, Pudgies, Chesters, Jollibee or Henny Penny. Oh, yeah – it’s Kentucky Fried Chicken (better known today as KFC, so as to keep your mind off of things like frying oil and trans fat). Again, if someone’s not yanking my chain, the D.C. signature drumsticks are going to be died purple (!), and imprinted with a fake grill mark in the form of a ‘charred’ unicursal hexagram. Evidently, KFC’s “World’s Largest Logo” advertising stunt – the gigantic visage of Colonel Cluck, himself, laid out in colorful tiles on the desert floor near Area 51, where it can be seen from outer space in satellite imagery - didn’t quite live up to the company’s expectations, and now they are looking for something even cooler.

(I know what you’re thinking: Too bad it wasn’t “Subway” that did this, with that Fogle guy’s face being seen from outer space, so that maybe the nasty greys would have come down and snatched him up – thinking that he was our leader.)

Cheese and crackers! Look at the clock. In keeping with my new policy of spending no more than 30 minutes on each newsletter (as long as I’m being paid in mcnuggets), my time is up.

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM


 
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