Under the bold heading of C’mon people!, in a recent Tool Facebook post about a CD release party for the band “Sturgeon”, I was astonished by the number of comments from readers who claimed to be initially excited in thinking that it was a listening gathering for the new Tool record, only to have the proverbial air let out of the balloon upon realizing that this wasn’t the case. Really! C’mon people! Is it really too much to ask to read an entire sentence? Besides that, does anyone really think that the news of the new Tool album would jump from sporadic updates stating that they are still in the writing/arranging process to suddenly announcing a let’s pat ourselves on the back CD release party at the Cha Cha Lounge? This gala event with zero news about preparations to go into the studio, recording session updates, hard to tune nano-guitars, or, at least, a spurious album title and bogus track listings? Really! Come to think of it, have Tool ever even had a public CD release party? I certainly don’t remember there ever having been one, but maybe I just wasn’t invited…
In another Tool Facebook post that I wrote – this one about Danny filling in for Tim Alexander during the upcoming PRIMUS tour, those who were too lazy to read that Danny would be doing so for only a few shows reacted as if this couple of days away from Los Angeles would delay the new Tool record by several years! “Oh no, if Danny sits in for a few Primus shows, does that mean that he will miss this week’s Tool CD listening party at the Cha Cha Lounge!”
Besides those agitated on the Tool Facebook page, here’s an example of some of the e-mail that I receive: Under the subject of “NONSENSE”, one person writes: “ So why doesn’t Tool just hang it up? Babies, vineyards, following dead entomologists?.. Any music happening?” Obviously this guy doesn’t read the Tool Facebook page, or he’d know about the Tool CD release party… Well, my impatient friend, here’s your reply: The band members are currently writing and editing new material that will hopefully eventually become tracks on a new album once it has been recorded, mixed, mastered, manufactured, leaked out on the InterNet, illegally downloaded and released. The title of this new record will be “PHARAWA.” Everyone knows that this is the case - including holders of the Opiate re-release golden tickets, dead elephants, and those girls who went missing in Aruba… And besides that, the entomologist that I’m sure you’re referring to - Rance Q. Spartley – rather than counting worms, is far from the frigid clutches of the grimmest of Grey Walkers and probably at this very minute enjoying a strawberry daiquiri at his island retreat.
Interestingly enough, the band members recently sought out the bug man’s expertise to help them with a threat involving the controversial “Hoola Effect.” For those who are not yet familiar with this supposed phenomenon, claims that a new insect/reptile cross-species recently discovered by an entomologist (Dr. Javier Hoolavez) in the Amazon were also being spotted outside of the South American rainforest, turning up in several different countries, including United States.
This new genus is described as being extremely strange in appearance (as one might imagine), leaving behind an infinity-shaped (figure eight) marking on the flesh of those who are bitten by it.
Stranger still, the venom “accelerates competitive behavior in its animal and human. Victims.” Worried that someone might release a few of these creatures near the loft in some misguided attempt hoping to increase the pace of their writing process should one or more members be bitten by the Hoola, Spartley was asked if such a thing was even possible? Responding to the whole Hoola Madness, the maverick entomologist said that he considered the entire thing nothing more than an obvious hoax, and rather than waste his time further investigating any further claims made by its alleged discoverer, he’d rather stick with studying his Borneo sticks and ghost slugs (not to mention new snow scorpionflies in Alaska). As for those who thought that by releasing these things near the loft, rather than compelling the band members to pick up the pace with regards to writing new material (again, if bitten by the Hoola), what if, instead, it accelerated their other non-musical interests? I guess they never considered that…
Moving along, I have been getting flooded with email about reports in a local newspaper about certain strange things seen in the skies near Danny’s property in rural Kansas. Along with a spectacular nighttime display of curious multicolored geometric patterns appearing over an open field near the wooded area (with no apparent source), there have been observations by locals of bizarre “nearly blimp-sized characters” floating in the air, with one such figure having “run amok” above the forest. In as much as I would like to explain these sightings as projections from small aerial drones – such as modified “Phantom” quadcopters - that might be incorporated in future live shows, I cannot say this is being tested there. And as for the large characters seen being certain Tool video ‘entities’ attached to a synchronized fleet of similar drones with advanced sensors that could move high over a concert audience, I also very seriously doubt that puppet drones are the correct explanation for the sightings. Rather, I would say that it is probably either swamp gas or weather balloons that these people are seeing. Mystery solved.
Oh, lest I forget, for those of you who are wondering why Justin was recently visiting Italy and Danny spending time in Michigan, the answer is that for the past two weeks the loft has been undergoing a renovation to better soundproof certain rooms, and therefore no writing sessions were scheduled during the construction. I think that the renovation might also include the addition of a subterranean vault, which might explain my recent adventure in moving various boxes containing recording tape, masters, and other Tool related items taken from their previous ‘safe place.’ Now, I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is “no”, the vintage Pepsi cooler is still right where it has always been, most likely needing some of the greenish sludge inside to be scrapped from its chilled bottom.
Finally, in BREAKING NEWS, DANNY will be the guest drummer for the LABOR DAY MONDAY NIGHT JAMMMZ at the BAKED POTATO jazz club in STUDIO CITY. Oh no! Babies, vineyards and Monday night jams at the ‘tator.’ Will the new record ever get made?.. Someone better get a Hoola insect!