One day after their decoy-doubles landed, members of the band and their tour crew arrived safely in Australia to prepare for their upcoming wing-dings and bush-bashes. So far, I’m happy to report, there have been no serious incidents involving rabid dingoes, stuka-mozzies, paralysis ticks or killer kookaburras. Nor has anyone yet become a stingray’s shish kabob. No doubt this is in part due to the innovative, life-sustaining, vegemite stain-proof, water-cooled suits called AEMU (Australian Extravehicular Mobility Unit ) that were manufactured by the engineers of ILC DOVER. As the saying goes: “If the design is good enough for NASA and Zero-G, it ought to be fairly effective Down Under.”
As I write this (rouge commas and all), the guys have probably checked into their posh hotel (with Huntsman free blinds!) and are most certainly looking forward to going out and ordering some aussie-tizers from the nearest Outback Steakhouse (which can’t be too far away, seeing how there’s one in every shopping center here in the USA). Or, perhaps, just grabbing a refreshing Zooper Dooper ( in cosmic flavors) from the friendly bloke with the kanga stuck on the bonnet of his van. (Note: I totally enjoyed these icy confections while on a recent trip to Kakadu National Park – just a carbon fiber-reinforced plastic boomarang toss from Darwin in the Northern Territory.)
As I mentioned in a recent news post, the tour is being billed as “AN EVENING WITH TOOL” – meaning that there aren’t any opening acts to speak of (unless one has been added without my knowledge… and approval). And being that there might be extra time to perform, I would expect some musically interesting segues. And the ‘star’ of these mind-bogglingly trippy developments might just be Danny’s shiny new synthesizer (Plan B “Toolbox” Synth), which was custom built to the drummer’s specs one mail-ordered component at a time by Peter Grenader. You can take a peek at this doozy of a noise maker for yourself in a couple of new youtube videos.
As the tour progresses, I hope to have updates on MERCH, as well as some great photos courtesy of Rynne (Nice, one just arrived in my in box)… Before proceeding with some e-mail, I want to know exactly what is it that you’re using to season tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto? Because that shit sounds crazy in this part of the world!
E-MAIL ABOUT TOOL TOUR, THE SEAL OF XANTANITOS, OPIATE SIGNATURES,
VIP PACKAGES, AND APRIL FOOLS.
Q: “Hi! Don't know who to contact really, maybe you could help me in the right direction? Just checking will TOOL release new material soon? Hopefully they will tour a lot then? I play in a band called Truckfighters, we've done over 500 liveshows in Europe, USA, South America and soon also Australia/New Zealand. We will release our fourth record in JAN 2014 on SONY music in Scandinavium and Fuzzorama in the rest of the world. Would love to discuss and opening slot for TOOL, we can do anything to make it happen. We're professional musicians and know how things work.”
A: How long would it take you and the fellows to get to Australia – once you’ve acquired the necessary AEMU suits, that is? On second though, that new beast of Danny’s sounds pretty damn cool! (Hey, a nice little plug for you anyway.)
Q: “…Finally, the reason I initiated this correspondence in the first place was about
this mysterious "Seal of Xatanitos". I purchased 5 copies, 1 of each variety, of the
Opiate reissue. One of the copies has a round sigil like shape pressed into the
paper and the others do not. I was wondering if this is the Seal? Much like when i
read your writings, I do not know what to look for but am curious why it is only on
1 of 5 copies of the certificate of authenticity.”
A: I believe that you are describing the embossed seal, which was to be included on all of the certificates. This is NOT the “Seal of Xantanitos”, and as far as I know, so far, only two or three winners have been randomly selected. One of these lucky folks resides in one of the Carolinas (I don’t remember if North or South), and another in San Francisco. I think the third winner is somewhere in Europe. At any rate, those who win will know by a second, different certificate of authenticity that clearly indicates that the recipient possesses the “Seal of Xantanitos.” The winners will probably also get a phone call from MERCH asking if they’d like to take a photo of themselves with the golden seal in case we want to post it on the website.
BTW: the photo that I took of Buzz of the Melvins holding the fake golden seal – I hastily made that by wrapping the golden foil of a Rollo candy bar (purchased at a nearby gas station) over a ToolArmy card, and gluing some colorful symbol onto it. I only had a few minutes to do all this – and it was Buzz’s idea to name the winner Deke Rivers, which was the name of a character that Elvis Presley played in his second film. Buzz also insisted that the ‘winner’ be an “unemployed” truck driver. If you look close at the photo, you can see the remainder of the Rollo candy wrapper in Buzz’s front pocket.
E-MAIL: “I am upset to here about what has happen to the loft. I cannot imagine how much work could have been put into that one song. I do know that when it comes to writing and different forms of artistic work redoing something can spark great new ideas. Good luck and best wishes.”
RESPONSE: Now that’s the way to be positive, and you know what – the song is already better than it was! Thanks for your well wishes and I expect there to be some squeaky clean plates at Carrow’s tonight!
Q: “I received my copy of the opiate re issue. It is not signed by Adam nor was the USB
card included. I'm not sure if anything can be done about this but I'd like to be
sure. Any info would be appreciated. Thanks.”
A: As I understand it, a few people (2 or 3) sent the Merch department photos of their 21st anniversary Opiate covers that appear to be missing Adam’s signature. All these people have to do is send it back to receive one with Adam’s autograph. I only hope that these aren’t the few copies that Adam signed in invisible ink, which require the proper mordant to render it visible (not ferrous sulfate, goose). I say this, because these will definitely be the most rare of all – even more so than the two that he doodled on. As for the two with extra little drawings – I noticed Adam do this to what he thought was the last copy that he needed to sign. When I pointed to another table that had a few hundred more covers that needed his signature, he autographed them, adding: “This is the last copy” next to his name. As for the USB card – that thing in your photos IS the USB card…
Q: “Is there any chance you could elaborate further on the VIP packages being offered down under? Just in terms of how long the Q & A will be with Adam and how long the
Sound check part would run for. $500 is a lot of money so before I buy I just want a bit more of an idea of what to expect.”
A: What if they threw in a citrusy Zima and a poster signed by some of the tour bus drivers? Actually, sound checks can last quite a while, though I have no way of knowing how long in this particular case. Also, seeing how I don’t want to be a spoiler, I will reply to this e-mail in more detail once the tour gets underway. (Damn, I just expurgated my own response!)