TOOL NEWSLETTER
APRIL 2015, E.V.


Phew! I’ve been working around the clock to keep up with all the news in April – what with a page out of Chaucer MJK shenanigans, numerous birthdays in the Tool Family, a new version of the Tool multi-purpose blanket, the 10th anniversary “Fandango Supreme” Monday Night Jammmz at the ‘spud’, recording studio adventures with ‘Evil’ Joe and his bowl of retro candy, Opiate EPs found inside U2’s new record release, MO-FI headphones plugged into a customized Kohler NUMI at the Loft, “Stumpfest 2015”, and Danny’s new tee-shirt featuring Dr. John Dee’s “Monas Heiroglyphica. With all these things going on (did I mention Junior’s birthday?), I think we’ll just reply to some email sent by fans in this month’s newsletter…

EMAIL:

Q: “When is the Tool App supposed to hit the Playstore? I read online that it was supposed to be out before the January Newsletter, but I did not see any mention of it in the newsletter. I am very excited about the Tool Loft live webcam on my stupid smartphone! I'm not sure if you can help me. I have a friend in custody at a Federal prison in Kentucky. He said they have a music service that they can purchase songs from artists. He said that A Perfect Circle songs are available but he can't find any TOOL songs. He asked me to request that TOOL make their music available to prison inmates for purchase from a music service. Is this possible? Please reply.”

THE REPLY:

First of all, I’m having a hard time trying to imagine why anyone in Kentucky would be put in prison now that moonshine is legal and can be purchased at the local Bev-Mo! Let’s see… maybe for scalping basketball tickets while barefoot?.. Dashing on your Hot Brown bill?.. Stealing a banjo from your neighbor’s porch?.. Loitering where the Montgomery Ward used to be?.. Shooting a rifle at the aliens looking through the window? Hard to fathom with all that gorgeous blue grass! Even so, we’re looking into this discrimination, and I will post any new developments. If I can help make Tool tunes available, will you send me some original recipe Colonel Cluck, as I’m sure that it is far superior in Kentucky!

Q: “I think it was a few months ago that you and Danny Carey were on Rynne's radio show, Children of Saturn. Danny mentioned that there was a music ***** in the works for their song ***** and that that was the so called "*********". Was that really it? Also, is that even true? If so, could you give some more information on it?”

THE REPLY:

Having been a guest on the same show, and having shared a bottle of Remy Martin with Danny, I can tell you that - - YOU ARE ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THINGS. YOU ARE PRIMATIVE. YOU WILL CEASE FROM LISTENING TO THE CHILDREN OF SATURN. YOU ARE CLOSE. DO NOT GO TO THE AUTHORITIES… OR TO THE FOURTHEYE WEBSITE… THINGS CAN HAPPEN. WE KNOW ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS. THIS IS A WARNING. WE HAVE STOPPED OTHERS. CAN I HAVE A STRAW FOR MY JELLO? - - I don’t recall him having said that… But, now that I think about, DANNY did just travel to Maine - the home of Bob "Golden Ears" Ludwig's "Gateway Mastering." Maybe he didn't go there just for the seasonal lobsters?..

EMAIL: “I just got the Tool wall art in the mail, and I was the lucky guy from Norway. I could not have been more happy. When I went to see TOOL in Japan at the Ozzfest there was no signed or unsigned posters for sale. So thank you a lot!!!!

REPLY:

Congrats again, my friend! As for the lack of posters, signed ones were given away to the first 10,001 people, so they must have run out by the time you got there. Maybe next time leave the snowshoes back in Oslo…

Q: “I recently read an article showing what some bands charge to play special events. How much would it cost for the band to play my BBQ this summer?”

THE REPLY:

Yes, some bands do play ‘special events’, including summer backyard barbecues. Bands like Heart, R.E.O., Styx and Cap’n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters. But if you think a band like Tool will perform there, you’re going to need to come up with $1,000.00 for each member, and another $500.00 for the crew. But that’s just for starters. Ever heard of a “Rider?” Well, this would include (besides being able to eat anything they want at the barbecue), a case of imported beer, and a case of domestic beer (for the crew), Also, a case of assorted soft drinks and bottled glacier drinking water. I doubt that you’ve ever heard of a charcuterie board, but the name Oscar Mayer ought to be familiar within your refrigerated realm. Add to this 4 bags of premium tortilla chips, 2 containers of salsa, a fruit platter with crackers and humus dip… and bag (large bag) of Chips Ahoy or Sandies cookies. But, I’m not done, f**ker! After the show, the band and crew must be provided with no less than 5 (yep, 5) local pizza joint pizzas and free passes for a shallow water dolphin interaction. And this show doesn’t include lasers, decoy tour coaches and glittering red squares. If you can’t do this, I suggest you call the management for “The Love Muffins” (with Foreigner as support). Hell, LM’s keyboard player could even help you Liptonize those flippin’ burgers… In the meantime, I will start working on the event poster, of which ONE should be enough...

Q: “Heya Blair, This is a simple request. If the kickstarter for The Colossus of Destiny- A Melvins Tale can't quite achieve the funds necessary to finish the movie, can you ask the Tool fellows to possibly donate some of the money? I would very much love to see a movie about one of the most important bands ever made! Also, will any of the members of Tool make an appearance? How cool would that be eh?”

THE REPLY: Let me see if I understand this: Every time the Melvins want to make a movie in this fair city, the members of Tool are supposed to help pay for it?.. What about a helpful Honda person? Well, let’s just see if they get the summer barbecue gig first… the poster is already done.

Q: “Hi Blair, I hope reading this doesn't interfere with the assembly of the latest riddle filled newsletter, but I have an inquiry, that only someone in your fabled position has even the slightest chances of achieving. With the addition of sealed Salival boxsets re appearing I happily purchased one (being in middle school during the time of the initial release, im enthralled to be able to get one sealed). But with the release of yet another wave of Salivals, it begs the question. What ever happened to the infamous Dickbutt Salival? The rumors go, as im sure you know, after each band member signed his take on the holy phallic relic onto the copy, a great light blinded all that were present...and then was gone. I'm sure you remember, it was the weekend they canceled Futuruma, a national tragedy never to be forgotten (whether or not they are related, you can be the judge). I know it is bold of me to ask, but if you could hunt around deep in the archives, past the statues, past the alter (*but not pastthe holy grail, if you've hit that you've gone too far) and send me THIS copy of Salival, it would be a great honor. Or at the very least, have the band members draw some dongs all over it. You already have my money, right?”

THE REPLY:

I think I might have just been introduced to my replacement! Wonder if this has anything to do with Howard Stern?

Q: “I’m going to cut right to the chase. I was listening to the song “Ticks and Leeches” this evening and I noticed something at the end of the song that I had never noticed before. Right before the end of the song, as the music fades, at the 8:03-8:07 mark of the song, the listener can hear Danny Carey say: “Aw, you fucking bastard!” It's basically the last piece of audible noise on the track. I have two questions about this: 1) What or who was Danny Carey responding to? and 2) Why did the band choose to leave it in at the end of the track? It’s extremely difficult to imagine this was left there by mistake, so it would be interesting to know why they left it in the track. Thanks for your time and I hope you can respond to this email.”

THE REPLY:

Enjoying those new MO-FI headphones, are you... You are right – it wasn’t left there by mistake. Here’s what happened: Even though the song is one of the most difficult for Danny to play, prior to tracking it, he bet one of the band members that he would knock it out in a single take. Being a scratch track to the others, once the recording button was pressed, the band member that Danny had the bet with did everything that he could to distract him, even going as far as shoving a shaving cream pie into the face of another band member. Despite these comedic antics, Danny made it through the tune in one (flawless) take… with his choice expletives recorded at the end.

Q: “Hi Blair: Is the hidden track in the form of a Phonautograph recording? I do not plan to post or share the answer on any form of social media.”

THE REPLY:

Haha, I get it. Because you’ve been waiting so long for a new record. Haha! Maybe...

Q: “Is there a reason why the 9 year old previous album 10,000 Days is still not listed on this website?”

THE REPLY: For all those Tool fans who visit the Tool website, but DON’T know that the band has an album entitled “10,000 DAYS’, here are multiple choices for you to pick the correct answer:

A)We knew there would still be time to include it before the next album was released.

B) I thoroughly enjoy receiving email from people asking why it’s still not listed on the website after nine years, and am not going to list it until I get the millionth email in my inbox.

C) No one has yet said the magic word, which is… PRETTY PLEASE.

D) The band is hoping to trick the IR, and therefore have enough funds to complete their next album.

Q: “So, I was cruising PCH last night, smoke the finest weed out of the finest blunt wrap, when the smell of King Louie and Grapes ran up my nose and brought me back to a time I had listened to Aenima for the first time and I remember thinking... Why are Danny's drums panned right to left rather than left to right...? The album has always sounded out of balance, to me (which, I'm more than aware I'm only one fan of millions and my opinion doesn't hold any weight haha **typical 21st century millennial project of oneself far more reaching than actual worth) because ever other album is Danny is mixed left to right. So, like someone who has more time than worth, I put the tracks into my audio interface (logic 9 in fact, cause logic 10 is just garage band on steroids) and flipped the tracks so Danny's drums would be matching in balance to all the other albums. Anyways, I was wondering if there ever is talk about remixing the album, cause it is one of my favorite. It's great to hear how Danny began using different time signatures. It's a nice precursor to all the music since-- which is ever evolving. Anyways, thanks Blair! Have a good day! If you haven't flipped the channels on that album, try it! Pull out the bean bag and light up something of divine origins-- itll shock you that it sounds like an entirely new album!

THE REPLY:

Or, you could affect an arcane transference – a perichoresis experience of sorts with a parallel dimension of existence in which the drums are panned the way you like them. WAIT A SECOND... MAYBE THAT EXPLAINS WHAT THEY WERE DOING AT 'EVIL' JOE's STUDIO A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO...

Q:“I'm a longtime (American) Tool fan currently living in Italy. I just got Sky TV installed (Sky Italia), and heard the song Right in Two being used in a promotional commercial for the American TV show Bones. I was curious if this was sanctioned by the band/management, given past opinions on promotional use (I was mildly shocked when I heard it, and had to have my wife assure me that I wasn't experiencing auditory hallucinations). I thought this should be brought to the attention of the person who deals with this type of thing in the event that the use was unauthorized.”

How do you know that your wife wasn't also experiencing auditory hallucinations?

Q: “It seems the Java program for interaction and the toolchat has been expired for Windows XP. Would it be possible to find a new way of running it? (Without it?) I know you think most tool chatters are lunatics but they are also lost friends of mine in more ways than one - and toolchat is important for stopping the reptilian agenda. As you well know. I know there is a website update possibly in the future.”

THE REPLY:

There is? Wow, that’s terrific news. Hopefully those responsible will also add the 10,000 Days album to the site, because I think I just got the 1 millionth email asking about it. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that the Indonesians have nothing to do with any Tool chatroom problems, although they do commit a great deal of fraud when trying to order merch!

Q: “Please can the miracle happen and Tool play Glastonbury 2015? I know the skies are Grey here, we're weird and quirky, speak with strange accents, and many of us have sets of teeth like a burned down fences - but that's why we need Tool to play at Glastonbury! We NEEED this!! The whole country needs this!”

THE REPLY:

Okay, but the last time the band performed in Scotland, the bathroom sink in my hotel came up to my knees, the Freemasonic taxi driver had never heard of Rosslyn Chapel, and the girl at the Burger King n in Edinburgh ot only fucked up me Whooper, but also didn’t put enough ice in me Kook!..

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM


 
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