JULY 2015, E.V.

“The Gates of Pluto must not be unlocked, within are a people of dreams.”

- Orpheus

(Predictably) I have received lots of email this month from people wanting me to know that the “New Horizons” space probe traveled 3 billion miles to Pluto before TOOL finished their next record. While some of these folks received the oblique reply: “Did you know that the TI-83 graphing calculator has more processing power than there was in the guidance computer that landed Apollo 11 on the moon?” - others were responded to with the equally elliptical: “Were you aware that France was still executing criminals using the guillotine when the first “Star Wars” film premiered in theaters in 1977?”

However, what I didn’t tell any of these e-mailers is that when the band members – many years ago – told me that they wanted to wait until the data collecting probe reached the dwarf planet and transmitted back photographs of its (possibly) geologically active surface details before releasing their next record, my initial thoughts were that they might want to reconsider this - maybe focusing instead on the (then) controversial Martian surface anomalies. The “New Horizons” thingy isn’t exactly manipulating space-time by radiating an energy beam through a hull of artificial metallized dielectric composition, I reminded them. It’s put-putting along to a speck in the solar system! Even die-hard Tool fans would most certainly grow impatient by the time any images of wispy hydrocarbons and exotic ice deposits might be available for use in the new album’s art design! But that’s when I was told about how Pluto was part of the overall plan – the all-encompassing concept involving Tool’s complete recording output:

A (Aenima)
S (Salival)
P (New album title?)
L (Lateralus)
U (Undertow)
T (Ten Thousand Days)
O (Opiate)

Okay, enough said about the Lord of the Underworld, but with the “New Horizons” probe having finally reached Pluto, let’s watch and see how things move along now, folks…

In other news, I see that Tool aficionado, “HELLBOY”, has given a 10th-anniversay makeover. Congrats, Matt! As many Too enthusiasts already know, Hellboy’s minions actively scour the internet for any breaking Tool and Tool-related news, and this is usually presented in a timely fashion (though a few members appear to have all but given up on any new Tool record, switching their musical allegiance instead to bands like “Walk The Moon” and “Drown By Mom.”)

Too bad, as those of us who have heard - and without a continua widget -several nearly complete, lengthy arrangements (sans MJK), know that the new stuff will be well worth the wait to any fan of the band…Still, in the words of Mark or Matthew or Luke – one of those fellows attributed to the synoptic gospels – “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angeles of heaven, nor the Son, nor even Google, but only the Father.” (New King James Version)

In the meantime, those impatient souls could always consider my suggestion in earlier Tool newsletters (for example, January, 2008) involving the concept of Pantheistic Multi-person Solipsism. Why not sidestep the matrix of consensual reality by making a minimal translation to a self-created onotologically no less real Tool record release party in one of the base-six spaces? And while we’re on the subject of transuniversal travel to a variety of possible timelines, maybe even think about establishing contact (or, at least, achieving a resonance) with your (BEST) future self during a future Tool concert, and then integrating part of it into your present self? It’s just that simple! (Note: By “BEST”, I mean, of course, no flash photography or ‘mundane’ recording devices!)

Okay, by now some of you might be thinking, “fuck this expansive mind-stuff! I’m going to go to the fourtheye site to see if there’s any real news?” Fine, but if you leave now, you won’t hear about my plan to personally interview one of the new parking bollards at the Tool loft/rehearsal space. That’s right! In keeping with my ‘leave no stone unturned, fine-tooth comb’ reporting style, I wasn’t going to let any identity-separation illusion get in my way of finding out what one of the highly-visible barriers thinks about Maynard’s new vocals, which I believe that the band members have heard in some stage of development on a particular track or two? No, sharing my mind with a non-conscious thing seemed like a no brainer…

And although communicating with inanimate objects isn’t as easy as one might think, being somewhat familiar with the idea of dynamism, I thought that an exclusive interview with a new bollard might be the best way to obtain information about any possible upcoming shows, etc. Even so, this would present some problems. First of all, as many of you already know, parking bollards are notorious tricksters! Actually, they can be outright liars – they kind of have to be given their close proximity to places where security issues are of paramount importance. Second of all… well, being tight-lipped is really the only problem that I could think of. So, I headed over to the Loft with a list of questions – the first being: “In which parking space does Danny park his Lambo?” This was a trick question devised to test the veracity of the bollard, as I know that Danny always rides a Vespa to the place! Well, not always, but mainly (Excuse me, Am I interrupting something!..) The second question concerned intros and outros – confusing, perhaps, to an orange pole -but not a trick question. Anyway, so when I arrived a couple of days ago, guess what? There wasn’t any place for me to park, with the highly visible tight-lipped little fuckers controlling access to all of the ‘available’ spots! Hell, I wasn’t about to park on the street, and with gas at nearly $5.00 a gallon…

Alright, go to the fourtheye site where you’ll notice that its administrator includes as newsworthy a show featuring Danny’s side-project, VOLTO!, though he fails to tantalize fans with the diverse range of stuffed spuds offered by the BAKED POTATO’s harmonica–wielding cook, and that there’s free shadowy parking somewhere in the rear. Oh, wait… VOLTO! are performing at THE MINT for their next show (August 1). Sorry.

That will about do it for the month of July. I trust you already know about Volto! at THE MINT (see for more news about this show), and that PUSCIFER have premiered a new video entitled “Grand Canyon”, also announcing a release date for the band’s next album, “Money Shot”, and that Cleopatra lived closer to the building of the first Pizza Hut (1958) than to the time of the great pyramids of Egypt, although she never (to my knowledge) was able to carry out a thin and crispy topped with scarabs. On second, given the concept of Pantheistic Multiple-ego Solipsism, and a continua chariot, she probably did…



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