APRIL 2016, E.V.

We’ve got lots of Tool news this month, and I’m not just talking about Danny playing with The Webb All Stars on Wednesday, April 27 at the Baked Potato. So, let’s get right to it. Oh, before I proceed with the really good stuff, I should tell you that the band members (or their management?) have recently installed some automated text redaction software to prevent any ‘inadvertent’ disclosure of privileged information. Although I have no control over this Auto-Redact technology, I have been told not to worry as it was only installed as a safeguard against some unauthorized person attempting to use my admin controls. Okay, now that you know about the auto redaction tool (hehe), here’s what’s been happening in the world of Tool:

During a recent phone conversation with a certain band member, he told me the following: “Goddamn, I just ******* the *** **** ***** and it was pretty damn amazing! Of course, ** still has to **** **** of * *** ****** before ** **** ********, but what * *** was well ***** *** ****.”

In other news, I was told (again, by a band member) that *** ******** made **** a good *****, so it ***** **** **** *** ** playing the ************** on *******! Of course, this doesn’t take into consideration a grey goo scenario involving self-replicating nanobots, VY Canis Majoris going hypernova, or even the more likely stumbling block of anthropogenic global warming from too many advanced personal vaporizers (APVs) using propylene glycol, which is NOT the main ingredient in antifreeze. There is also some talk about **** *****, but nothing ** ****** ** and, ***** *******at this time. So, keep your toes crossed.

Word has it that the ***** for another **** song has been ******** at the ****, and that the fellows are off to a good ***** on ******* one. So, there you **** it.


STUMPFEST (APRIL 21, 22, & 23) at Mississippi Studios in PORTLAND, OREGON is rapidly approaching. Although the 3 Day Passes are all SOLD OUT, there are still INDIVIDUAL NIGHT TICKETS AVAILABLE for sale.

I don’t care about any bad brown acid that might or might not be going around, but those of you planning on going to this year’s “STUMPFEST” should watch out for brown Hobo Spiders (Eratigena agrestis) with impaired vision and wonky web building techniques (often without the proper permits), especially if you are planning on getting to the festival by riding inside abandoned boxcars. The Hobo is a very aggressive creature whose bite packs quite a wallop. In fact, you might have even seen some recent photos of the results of Hobo spider bites that some people mistakenly believe to be a new Portland trend called “front-porch piercing.” Think of the Hobo as a Funnel Web spider that isn’t descended from convicts and doesn’t know how to play a didgeridoo. Also, while you are visiting, BEWARE of huge lists of ciders…

Perhaps now’s a good time to answer some email questions from fans?

“How much of the new Tool material have you actually heard?”

Over the years I have mostly heard sections of what I believe will be the longest track on the album. Last spring, after Danny and Rynne’s wonderful baby shower, a few of us got to listen to parts of other arrangements in various stages of development. (Note: some of the time signatures are completely off the chart!) So, I would say that I’ve heard about 30 minutes of music altogether. I’m sure that I could hear some more if I really wanted to by sereptiously placing a digital voice recorder inside the taxidermy bird at the loft, or by flashing my Tool Web Content Manager badge and demanding to hear the latest riffs, but I would actually prefer to wait until the vocals are added because, for me, at least, that’s when everything really comes together. As I’ve said many times, the individual contributions of each band member is essential to creating the distinctive Tool sound. Therefore, it really doesn’t matter how much music I’ve heard thus far.

“From your perspective, how has having financial success impacted the guy's motivation to complete the new album? In comparison to the early to mid 90s, do you see the same hunger to get it done? Or has the amount of cash, lawsuits, and other ventures made a new album 4th or 5th on the priority scale? As a complete outsider, it really seems like TOOL touring every couple of years generates enough cash flow to keep everyone comfortable. Comfortable enough in their chosen lifestyle that -- fuck it, why finish this album, let's just ride the wave. If so, I don't blame ‘em!”

Personally, I don’t believe living a comfortable life-style from money generated by mini-tours, merch sales, etc. has much to do with things - if you are referring to the amount of time that it is taking to complete a new album. If it were just about money, it would be easy for Tool to crank out a mediocre album (that many fans would be happy with; some even considering it to be a great accomplishment!) and tour with it for years. Instead of just riding a wave, as you suggest, I would like to think that – even if they don’t have as much energy as they did when they were much younger (?) - they are trying their hardest to outdo themselves, wanting each new album to be better than the last one. If this wasn’t the case, it wouldn’t make sense for a couple of members to sit for hours in soul-crushing L.A. traffic four days a week in order to get to the loft where they work tirelessly writing/arranging new music. Why subject themselves to this – for years (plus having to listen to all the groaning) - unless they want their new album (which is the priority) to be the absolute best than it can possibly be?

“Obviously, Danny’s Asmodeus T-shirt contains pentagonal geometry associated with Venus. My question to you, sir, is WHY didn’t you include this symbol of the ‘Invisible College’ -a compact between fellow learned men - in your LUCIFUGE shirt? Surely, you must be aware of it…”

As it appears in the notorious book of spirit conjurations entitled “LE DRAGON ROUGE/GRAND GRIMOIRE, the “LUCIFUGE” (tee-shirt) design represents the “Afflicted Mirror” concept, whereby ugliness or a distorted appearance serves as a signal meant to attract the attention of those interested in hidden otherworldly presences and our trans-human potential. While most people are far more comfortable with depictions of the normal (unblemished) physical form, ceremonial magicians are preoccupied by the impressions of alien otherness and transformative qualities esoterically associated with exaggerated deformity. Now, try explaining this to anyone who asks you about the misshapen figure on your LUCIFUGE tee shirt.


“Not sure if you heard about the discovery (gravitational waves detected). Isn’t it interesting that the binary black holes seemed to be in Canis Majoris?

BMB: Are you seriously suggesting that gravitational waves recently detected from somewhere in the constellation of Canis Major might have something to do with the continuing saga of the Stargate Conspiracy? Great Nummo arks riding gravity waves faster than the speed of light? Should we give Sodium Pentothal to the nearest Dogon Hogon? Yes, I’ve read a lot about this, and what I find to be really interesting are all the opposing viewpoints. All of the ugly finger pointing in the scientific community over a groundbreaking physics discovery? There are those who claim the signal was a real cosmic ripple created by a binary black hole merge that validates Einstein’s theory, while others claim that the chirp was a false alarm, given that there are so many other possible sources out there. Then there are those who claim that the signal was faked by a blind injection group or (worse) a spectacular lie cooked up by corporate physicists in order to receive Nobel prizes and billions of dollars in funding. Add to this the Luddites and the Flat Moon Society types! Hell, I’m sure there are even those who think that - if the signal wasn’t the work of Satan (when taking a break from planting fake dinosaur fossils here and there) - then its discovery is still no big deal. A mere triviality. What a sad state of affairs this is… Perhaps we should just forget about any detected signature of gravitational waves and all agree that rocks roll down hill instead of up hill (just ask Sisyphus!) because it’s what rocks WANT TO DO… except for on those special occasions in the distant past when the people from an ancient civilization X managed to convince certain stones that they REALLY WANTED to roll UP hill…

And, finally, someone suggested that the band purchase this item until the vintage Pepsi fridge gets fixed.



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