TOOL NEWSLETTER
SEPTEMBER 2014, E.V.


STEP RIGHT UP!
TOOL-RELATED NEWS HERE!
FREE!
FROM THE CORNERS OF THE EARTH!
GET YOURS NOW!
TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

Step right up, folks! Try to guess when the new record will be released? It's not that hard once you embrace multiversal quantum level mechanisms. Anyone can do it! Men. Women. Children of all ages! WIN A PLUSH RABBIT! Anyone can do it! Gas huffers in their soiled Fruit of the Looms! Sashaying spangled elephants! Even lobotomized department store manikins! CLUES and HINTS inside the Tent of Vertiginous Wonders... Leave your skepticism and dogmatic ignorance at the door, and dare to experience the absolute present! Don't worry about tracking in sawdust. ZUM ZUM the human (cordless) vacuum hasn't had his breakfast yet. The absolute present - it's not a corndog... it's perceptual maturity on a stick!

ODDMENTS!
CURIOSITIES!
ON DISPLAY!

BEARDED TERATOMAS! PONY EGGS! "FINN" THE SAVAGE FLEA! A FLAT TIRE FROM HITLER'S STAFF CAR! SWORD-SWALLOWING GIRAFFES! FIRE-EATING HOOTCHIE-COOCHIES LAUNCHING PING PONG BALLS! (Shaved Coozies!!!)... EXPLODING PUDDING! PICKLED PUNKS! MARTIAN SAND-WHALES & TATTOOED DUST WITCHES! THEY ARE HERE! ON DISPLAY! NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED!

Can you smell the salted caramel cotton candy? ORGANIC COTTON CANDY IN MARTINI GLASSES! GUAVA! MANGO CHILI! & LYCHEE! FUNNEL CAKES! CANDY BUTCHERS! ENDANGERED ANIMAL CRACKERS! TRY THEM ALL!

STEP INSIDE! GUESS WHEN THE NEXT TOUR WILL HAPPEN? ASK THE SEQUINED GILA MONSTER FORTUNE TELLER WITH NO DIRE PREDICTIONS! Who needs a polished almuchefi! Uglier than an inflatable fruitcake, but uncannily accurate! Embrace new paradigms! CLUES and HINTS inside the Tent of Vertiginous Wonders! LOTS OF PRIZES! WIN YOUR GAL THIS FUZZY PANDA! FRESHLY SPUN FALVORED FLOSS! TULPA COINS! THESE WON'T LAST! MOVADO WRISTWATCHES IN SOME BAGS OF BOILED PEANUTS! THIS PERSON HERE JUST FOUND ONE!..

TAKE A CHANCE!
SELL YOUR TEXT BOOKS! EVEN A RUBBER CHICKEN IS WORTH MORE THAN A COLLEGE DEGREE! FUNNEL CAKES AND BAZOOKA BABES! BETTER THAN LOBSTER BOY WITH JOCK ITCH!
PINWHEEL LOLLYPOPS!

TOOL CONCERT POSTERS ON SALE!
HAPPENING NOW!

Posters on sale for $9.99 while they last. SAVE $10.00. SAVE $20.00!
DO YOU SEE? GENUINE TOOL MERCH! LOOK AT THEM!
Do not be misled by imitators! You've got change in your pockets. Nickels. Dimes. Quarters. That old bottle cap painted silver. Change jingling in your pockets...
ORDER NOW!
MERCH RARER THAN ROCKING HORSE SHIT!
DON'T DELAY!
ORDER

With these deals, "Merch" is going to be busier than a tabby burying crap on a marble floor. Busier than a Tijuana hooker on Nickel Night. Busier than the Frog Boy in Bangla- - You, get the idea, folks. Don't let your dreams be interrupted by the trials and tribulations of daily life! Don't leave without seeing these TOOL CONCERT POSTERS at shop.toolarmy.com. You'll be glad you did!

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO!

Check out the NEW PUSCIFER SITE. YOU ARE ENCOURAGED TO DO SO IMMEDIATELY! For the momentous occasion watch "LUCHA LIBRE THROWDOWN TOMA" in full color at www.rollingstone.com. WATCH IT NOW! Better than a camel spitting or python shitting! Not for the weak minded. When you're done, check out the FURRY FRIENDS in the PUSCIFER STORE: PUSCIFER-BUZZSAW LA TEES, DOGGY GRENADE & PUPPY PISTOL. YOUR DOGGY NEEDS THIS STUFF, FOLKS... IT TRULY DOES, or I wouldn't bark it... No, I wouldn't!

VIEW

LOOKAHERE!

"HAWKIN'TIME": A LIMITED QUANITY OF MJK-TIM CADIENTE SIGNED PRINTS. 19 X 13 archival pigmented ink prints of Maynard. SIGNED! EMBOSSED! NUMBERED! Comes with a CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY! These prints are the real deal, ladies and gentlemen. THESE WON'T LAST!
UNLESS YOU'VE GOT A COSMIC WORMHOLE, GET YOURS BEFORE THEY'RE GONE! WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? CAN'T MANIPULATE SPACETIME? DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO AN EINSTEIN-ROSEN BRIDGE? TOLLS IN YOUR BLACKHOLE? NO WORRIES! IT'S NOT TOO LATE if you PROCEED RIGHT NOW TO THE WEBSITE! THERE IS TIME! TIME IS DISCONTINUOUS! BUT WHY TAKE A CHANCE?

VIEW/ORDER

The NEW PUSCIFER WEBSITE says NO SHOWS BOOKED AT THE MOMENT, but check back, folks. They don't call MJK a world-class multitasker for sitting around in pensive solitude!

DANNY LAUNCHES HIS NEW WEBSITE!

SEE FOR YOURSELF!
AMAZING CLIPS OF THE KALI-ARMED DRUMMER FOR TOOL!
Unless you're dumber than a box of doorknobs, it's easy to navigate.
SIGNED DRUMSTICKS! PURPLE INK, PEOPLE!
SIGNED DRUM HEADS WHILE THEY LAST!
BUY ONE FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
BUY A PAIR OF STICKS AND GET A HOT GIRLFRIEND!
MORE STUFF ARRIVING SOON! KEEP CHECKING BACK!
Shop

MONDAY NIGHT JAMMMZ AT THE BAKED POTATO

Ripping fusion jazz, Titanic tators! Bring your own instrument to experience the thrill of a lifetime. The thrill of a thousand life times! And that's just the stuffed potato!
RIPPING FUSION JAZZ! CAN YOU BEAT THAT, FOLKS!
MYSTERY GUESTS! WHO ARE THEY? MYSTERY GUESTS!

VOLTO! AT THE MINT ON SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4!
(For those who don't take advantage of discontinuous time)
DANNY CAREY on skins! DANNY CAREY on stage!
KAMIKAZES AND A VINTAGE MINI-MOOG!
THAT'S A GENUINE MINI-MOOG, FRIENDS!

Listen to the sonic onslaught while quenching your thirst with a TALL Pabst Blue Ribbon! Drink one before the Russians change the formula! TALL Pabst Blue Ribbons!

DARKLORE VOLUME 8 NOW AVAILABLE!
INCLUDES "THE SHAVER MYSTERY" CRAZE! WHAT IS IT? THE SHAVER MYSTERY CRAZE IN DARKLORE VOLUME 8. ORDER ONE NOW!

It's been nearly a year in the making, but I am quite pleased to announce the much-anticipated release of the eighth installment of the anthology series entitled "DARKLORE." As with the previous seven issues by Dailygrail Publishing, DARKLORE VOLUME 8 is a treasury of hidden history, fringe science, esoterica, ufology, and general Forteana. With articles running the gamut from post-death consciousness to pre-deluge extraterrestrial colonists, there is something in the latest journal for all those who are interested in the "strange dimensions veiled by consensus reality." And as with the other seven volumes, DARKLORE 8 is available in both an affordable soft cover and limited edition hardcover version.

Honored to once again be a contributing author, this time around I (Blair MacKenzie Blake) wrote about "The Shaver Mystery" craze of the mid-1940s. First appearing in the pulp sci-fi magazine "Amazing Stories" (March, 1945), the Shaver Mystery quickly became a publishing sensation that many researchers today recognize to be the forerunner of more modern accounts involving "X-File" type phenomena. This includes an otherworldly intelligence that both created and controls humankind from their subterranean realm, as recounted by an ex-factory worker-turned Depression-era drifter named Richard Shaver. In a series of bizarre ramblings often involving seemingly techo-erotic obsessions, Shaver claimed to have witnessed first hand alien machinery of unfathomable complexity hidden deep inside a system of caverns where they continue to be focused on an unsuspecting surface world by a race of malevolent entities. Was Shaver truly the victim of degenerate beings operating alien technology abandoned millennia ago by the Elder gods, or was he in reality a paranoid schizophrenic confined to a mental hospital where he was subjected to crude electroshock therapy? Or, will time reveal him to be a futant with extraordinary powers of imagination, who left behind a dire warning to future man about the potential danger of certain advanced technological achievements?

Both versions of DARKLORE VOLUME 8 are now available at www.amazon.com
(type "Darklore Volume 8" in books)

Amazon US:

Ltd Hardcover
Paperback

Amazon UK:

Ltd Hardcover
Paperback

http://darklore.dailygrail.com

COMING IN OCTOBER!
MORE ABOUT "THE CURIOUS DIARY ENTRIES OF VERITY PENNINGTON"
COMING IN OCTOBER!

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM


 
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