OCTOBER 2015, E.V.

How about an ominous pipe organ swell to start another Halloween-themed Tool Newsletter? Okay, now that you’re scared witless, the big news of the month, of course, are the Tool and Puscifer shows at the MonsterMash Music Festival in Tempe, Arizona (I predict both tricks and treats, and I’m not talking about Brach’s mellocreme pumpkins). Yep, the sleek tour coaches have been fueled and are ready to be egged, with the decoy-doubles summoned from their day jobs as unhinged steeplejacks. Also, let us not forget the Tool VIP Event the night before in Mesa, AZ, especially now that we know the experience involves a rehearsal. Should there be any tickets remaining at the time of this writing, you can purchase them here:

For those out-of-towners attending the festival who are visiting Arizona for the first time, although one of the most beautiful spots on the earth, its picturesque postcard is not without a few, shall we say, dreadful realities. Besides the terrifying San Carlos Hotel junk fee, the sunburned nakedness of a used bookshop proprietor with a dingy gym sock on his limp schmeckel, and the ubiquitous taqueria borborygmus, be on the lookout for ginormous Arizona crab spiders scurrying diagonally up the La Quinta walls, sickly sweet prickly pear cactus margaritas in certain saloons, Saquasohuh, the Blue Star Kachina dancing in a titty bar parking lot, dingleberry-flavored cheroots, iffy Circle K hotdogs right off the roller, cooked asphalt, drunk javelinas, snowbird roosts, the Sedona Cult of the Breatharians, Wile E. Coyote contraptions with self-aware circuitry (if your Halloween costume is that of a cartoon road runner!), and last, but not least… the macabre specter of trooper boys of a certain sheriff. Step out of line in Maricopa County, and you tatted up Toolies might just find yourselves wearing frilly pink hair ribbons in your mug shot. Oh, and for God’s sake don’t piss off kokopelli…

Okay, so remember to bring Benadryl for bites by the eight-legged freaks, and Pepto Bismal to prevent any trouser chili caused by taqueria hot sauces. No need to personally thank me for these warnings – just consider it to be part of the services that we at provide for FREE in order to make the band’s fans get the most out of their festival experience. In fact, let me add a couple of more things to the list: combo laundromat and porno stores… Well, never mind, but what about the official Bob Crane reenactment tour? Avoid this! Instead, if you happen to be in town the night before the shows, might I suggest heading to CLUB RED in Mesa to check out our talented friends in RAJAS. If you haven’t heard these guys perform live, you most definitely should. It’s better than hurling stink bombs at colporteurs! To learn more about RAJAS and their latest album entitled “Infidelic” (featuring DANNY on one track), please go to

Knowing that the demographics of Phoenix used to make it a major market testing city – sunscreen products, Ice Cucumber Pepsi, etc., the art designers of the “IMAGINAL REALM and IDEA EMPORIUM” thought it might be a good idea to test their latest tee-shirt designs there. The setting was a little slice of heaven on earth – and, of course, I’m talking about a Marie Callender’s restaurant.

Having earlier been to church on this warm (106 degrees) Sunday afternoon, where she heard a lovely sermon about the Torment of Job, the Massacre of the Innocents, the Locusts of the Abyss, the evils of round haircuts in “Leviticus”, The Lake of Fire, the stoning to death of unruly children by their parents in “Deuteronomy”, and a passage in “Exodus” about those who work on the Sabbath also being violently put to death (I guess that explains Chick-fil-A being closed on Sundays, but what about priests – isn’t that their job?), Mrs. MacKeeby (teal-colored hair, cheerful floral print church dress) had just finished her Rosemary chicken with lots (the glutton!) of complimentary cornbread, and was just about to order a slice of banana cream pie (planning to take a piece home for her calico cat, “Patches”), when she let out a blood-curdling skirl upon seeing a person who was proudly wearing the new…



Summoned from the moldering empurpled pages of the blackest of the black handbooks of magic – the notorious “Le Dragon Rouge/Grand Grimoire” – who else could it be but the Prime Minister of Hell, Lucifuge Rofocale!

“Here I am. Why do you disturb my repose?
Smite me no more with that terrible rod!
Lucifuge like complimentary cornbread… What, no f***in’ free refills!”

But, who is this exceedingly curious fellow, really? Cosmic troublemaker? Scapegoat of Judeo- Christian propaganda? Powerful Goetic spirit (being an anagram of Focalor?), or just your average medieval oddball? Whichever the case may be – with his emblazoned RED SIGIL – Monsieur Rofocale makes for one hell of a heretical-hero tee shirt.

And as the treasurer of Hell, should any would-be Karcist (operator) make a ritualistic pact with him, fabulous treasures will certainly be revealed. Just be sure to keep a fulminating rod at the ready… If satisfied, give him the formal License to Depart… Be charitable towards the poor, and promise to repay him in 20 years as per your agreement written in blood. (Consult the looking glass Latin fine print in the Pacta Conventa Daemonum for more info regarding services rendered.)


“I’d wear that!” - DANNY CAREY

“Who am I to judge the Prime Minister of Hell?” - POPE FRANCIS

“When I saw the devil on that boy’s shirt while ordering my banana cream pie, it just blocked out all of the sunlight from my spirit…” - MRS. MacKEEBY

“Even if he really is the treasurer of hell, I don’t need his money. I’m really rich! And just look at that face! Is that a toupee? This idiot would be a terrible Prime Minister of Hell. Give me the job and I’ll make hell great again!” - D. TRUMP

“Mofo Rofocale! You got a light for this smelly cheroot?” - Tool fan already in Mesa

“I don’t think rebellious children should be publically stoned to death by a mob like it says to do so in the Bible… and I wouldn’t drown my own children for misbehaving either, God! Also, what’s so f***ing wrong with selling waffle potato fries on Sundays!” – L.R.

“Hey, I’ve got a fulminating rod at the ready, so where can I get that “LUCIFUGE ROFOCALE tee shirt to scare the likes of Mrs. MacKeeby?” – (potential customer)

Welcome to the “IMAGINAL REALM and IDEA EMPORIUM” – a virtual annex of our ‘brick and mortar’ establishment located outside the nearest Apocatastasis –grid (don’t pick up naked hitchhikers with forbidden fruit)

LOOK NO FURTHER for ontologically as real MERCH selected exclusively by our unrestrained material substance appreciator with minimum translations to Zothyrian caravanserais, anti-Appalachian trading posts, and Shangri-La mini malls.


(Please note that gold zillozopes mined from the Superstitions are no longer accepted for IRIE transactions. The shopkeeper apologizes for any inconvenience that this may cause.)

VISIT US NOW!.. before the clickjacking hour approaches, and after making your purchase, check back before the next quinquennium for open-fronted specialty merch from our never-ending treasuria… Noctambulists welcome! CLICK

Would you believe that after writing this last paragraph, the curser on my computer monitor just changed into a Brach’s mellocreme pumpkin? After that it looked like the image of a famous Sunday school portrait on a dog’s butt-hole… and then I didn’t feel so good… like my stomach was full of greasy Circle K hotdogs right off the roller… and sweet prickly pear margaritas… with the god-awful taste of cooked asphalt in my mouth. And where did those cornbread crumbs on my desk come from? Damnit! That’s the last time I find an exorcist on Craig’s List!


Attention all you psychonauts, technoids and deipnosophists: DANNY'S "THINK DIFFERENTLY" tee-shirt is back in stock and ready to be worn to movie theaters where “Steve Jobs” is playing… as a TRIBUTE, of course…


Okay, let’s see if there are any relevant e-mail questions from Tool fans?

Here’s some…

Q: “BMB, What's going on here? Tool is charging $500 for a meet and greet (with the option to pay even more money for merch)? Since when did the band cater specifically to upper class bourgeoisie Republicans? I hope they at least reward attendees with a free "Make America Great Again" baseball cap. Sincerely, An under-paid proletarian Tool fan”

BMB: Hello, it’s $499. 98… Less than the price for two To’ak chocolate bars, so let’s not exaggerate, my friend! And besides, do you have any idea how much it costs to grab your Lakers season tickets, gas up the Lamborghini with high octane, give the traffic light corner transient a “Jackson” (if it’s red) on the way to the Staples Center, and then buy a few cocktails (with premium liquor) and a bag of peanuts? Talk about a bruising financial experience! And what about all those decoy tour buses and band member dopplegangers that have to be paid in cash! And fishing trips to Alaska in hired helicopters because the selection of salmon at the local Gelsons supermarket isn’t up to par. Plus there is a band member’s replica of the “Nautilus” submarine (complete with pipe organ) in his swimming pool. All of these things cost more than you might expect.

Q: “Please tell me if there is any truth to the fact the boys of "][" {[]} {[]} "]_ are scheduled to play HELLFEST in France in June of 2016. I viewed an advertisement that has them on the line-up and would like to know before I purchase tickets to the event. Thank you, a long time fan.”

BMB: The hell if I know – haven’t heard a word about it. Is this e-mail from Lucifuge? Goddamned Craig’s List exorcists!

So... what about that new "LUCIFUGE ROFOCALE" tee shirt... YES



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