TOOL NEWSLETTER
FEBRUARY 2008, E.V.


Evidently I made a big mistake by posting the January 17 newsletter entitled “Pantheistic Multiple-Ego Solipsism.” As it turns out, quite a few people still think that it contains a riddle of sorts… inside information hinting at some live DVD, new tour dates, a Tool movie ala Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” or other such craziness, even though I clearly stated that it was about alternate universes, and thus offering some insight as to how one might go about accessing them. However, this wasn’t just written for fans so that they might be able to catch the guys elsewhere during the break here on Universe-Zero, but was actually intended for the band members themselves who, if you think about it, will never really get to experience a Tool show in the way that their fans do. Therefore, in order for Tool to see Tool, I thought they might want to explore as many as possible of The-Number-Of-The-Beast spaces where some analog-Tool might currently be touring (granted, with minimal translations in the base-six continua, there might be a few quirks, such as slight variations in the set list, lighting, video projections, musicians playing different instruments, etc). Be that as it may, as I just said, this was a big mistake on my part, especially after mentioning the universe lacking the letter ‘J.’ Here’s why:

SOMETHING’S FISHY HERE!

Having just exited a black roadable* in order to have some lunch with theatrics at Benihana of Tokyo in Encino, Danny, Rynne, I and another (who wishes to remain anonymous) crossed Ventura Boulevard, only to be accosted by a Black Hat-boojum disguised as an L.A.P.D. motorcycle cop (a convincing fake!) who was totally INVISIBLE until we reached the other side of the street. At the entrance, before we could get to the teppan-table, hibachi steak and any dazzling effects, we were each issued a JAYWALKING TICKET (this while one of the freakin’ Cuyler clan was probably cleaning out the robot box at a nearby Starbucks). But not only that, while the ‘officer’ wrote up the citations, we had to listen to some Jabberwocky about how dangerous it was for us to cross the street, and that our ticket wouldn’t affect our driving record. Well, “no shit” to the latter –we weren’t driving (hence the term “jaywalking”). As for it being dangerous to cross the street – that’s fine if you’re a five-year-old child (or if Britney happens to be out and about on that day). When Danny asked if the officer was kidding, after his stern reply of “Does it look like I’m kidding?”, I knew that this was in fact a boojum, and that the encounter with him was a warning for us not to experiment with transuniversal travel. Even though the ‘cop’ didn’t have a purple Sharpie, making no judgment as to whether this was the real Danny and not a decoy, this Fair Witness watched as he calmly signed his ticket, at the same time suggesting that the officer’s time might be better served going door to door looking for any dangerous baby furniture. Once over the emotional shock (for evidence, Rynne also took a photo of the ‘cop’ with a Polaroid Stereo-Instamatic-Self-Focusing, Automatic-Irising, Automatic Processing Camera [or was it an i-Phone?]), we received the equally distressing news that the restaurant had closed for the afternoon. Would there be no lunch with theatrics at Benihana of Tokyo in Encino? Relax. Fortunately, I had a backup plan, and this was “Something’s Fishy Here” just up the boulevard a bit. We thus headed for the nearest crosswalk…

*MJK once owned the black roadable, which is probably how the baddies tracked us.

BOUNCED OFF THE RIM AT THE FINAL BUZZER

But the jaywalking ticket was only the beginning. Hours later we watched in horror as Danny’s beloved K.U. JAYHAWKS lost to the Texas Longhorns (only the second game that the team has lost this season!) Seems like the boojums would go to any length to keep us from setting the verniers – those tools for tools, and investigating the multiverse. Still, I’m happy to report that was it for that day at least. The Monday night Jammmz at the ‘tator’ went well, with Danny sitting in on the drums for a rather lengthy version of Zeppelin’s “No Quarter” (I told you that you never know who’s going to join in), and, thank God (or some network executive), J.J. was still there on K-CAL channel 9 doing her thing (after all, I need my accurate weather report).

And while I’m on the subject of news, donning my Fair Witness cloak, here on Universe-Zero it appears that the band members are pretty much just doing their own thing: Watching basketball games, drinking (nay, producing) fine wine, playing Halo 3 with other members of the Halo Nation, eating McDonald’s at the Grammy awards (because the music industry is going down the destruction oubliette over downloading and can’t afford proper catering), adjusting the reflectosight in the sanctum sanctorum, having horizontal conversations with their significant others, exploring caves on their new property, coming up with riffs and, hopefully, watching out for any Black Hat-boojums masquerading as L.A.P.D. motorcycle officers on Ventura Boulevard… By the way, do you think anyone might be interested in purchasing Danny’s signed jaywalking ticket on e-Bay? I know that I turned mine into something positive.

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM


 
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