Members of the band are still in the process of writing new material (three days a week), and with the latest leg of the “Puscifer” tour nearing completion, it shouldn’t be long before the dry-erase board is filled with a bewildering array of color-coded intros, progressions, agitatos, con sordinos, crescendos, diatonics, inversions, resolutions, transitions, variations, obbligatos, consonance, and endings – the arrangements that millions will attempt to down-load off the internet. However, knowing that many Tool enthusiasts are impatient, I’ve decided (perhaps unwisely) to provide a tool, if you Will, to help speed up the process, as well as one to make other Tool-related desires become a reality.
This “helper’ consists of excerpts from an alleged grimoire (textbook of magical instructions) entitled “LIBRI OF VENEFICUS PRO TOOL.” In common with other so-called “teufelbucher” (devil’s books), such as Le Grand Grimoire, The Black Pullet, Picatrix, Lemegeton Clavicula Salomonis, Grimoire du Pape Honorius, Sacred Magic of Abra-Melin, Le Petit Albert, Ars Notoria, Liber Raziel, and even Black Herman (Secrets of Magic-Mystery & Legerdermain), the magical instructions must be carefully followed (by neophytes and cunning-folk alike). If used in a slipshod manner, disaster will surely occur to the Operator, though, as with any musty Enchiridion or worm-riddled Zauberbibel, the Karcist is usually protected by their own ineptitude (i.e. invincible ignorance). Also, when dealing with the infernal conjurations of Theurgia Goetia, once the repose of the spirits has been disturbed, standard banishing rites may not be effective, even if threatened with a blasting rod constructed in the hours of Mercury and the Moon waxing. And finally, anyone who attempts to pirate the work shall be adorned, by means of a talisman from “The Queen of Hairy Flies”, with ears (in some cases, balls) six-inches longer than those of Midas. Thus be warned…
Emergency banishings from “The Chaldean Oracles of Zoroaster”
“Stoop not down, therefore,
Unto the Darkly-Splendid World,
Wherein continually lieth a faithless Depth
And Hades wrapped in clouds,
Delighting in unintelligible images
A black, ever-rolling Abyss
Ever espousing a Body Unluminous
Formless And Void.”
FRAGMENTS FROM “LIBRI OF VENEFICUS PRO TOOL”
To get (Tool) to compose faster, and, hence, produce a new album quicker than previous recordings:
Fast for three days and refrain from listening to any (Tool) music. Commence standard banishings. Prepare a talisman in lilac satin with figures embroidered in grey silk (as per instructions in “La Poule Noire”). Additionally, a metal lamen (or ring) should be graven with the astrological talismans of Aldebaran (yad al jawza), Rigel, and Betelgeuse, and placed in a fortified Goetic circle. Begin by delivering a valedictory address to the setting sun. After butchering a cockerel and sprinkling its blood over an orange candle, begin the mysterious orisons. The magical words are ZORAMI, ZIGAZAK, and ELASLOT. Command the spirits in forceful tones to provide you with a silver stylus, writing in letters of fire “RESURGAN” (I shall rise again). Discharge the spirits with the License to Depart.
To get (Tool) to play, along with the rest of the set-list, “Disposition”, “Reflection”, and “Triad” while performing with the L.A. Philharmonic Orchestra in quadraphonic… er… surround sound at the Hollywood Bowl:
Initial Banishing Rites. An onion of rainbow colors wrapped in gold should be placed ceremoniously in a fortified Solomonic pentacle and fumigated with aromatic woods (including acadia flowers). With a talisman of light grey satin embroidered with green-gold placed on the head, breathe upon a ring graven with the presiding spirits of Venus and Saturn. Kneel devoutly and summon the angel ZYMELOZ by inscribing the appropriate flaming sigil. Say: ATHAS, FAZAMMM, ESTARNAS, SMEGMA, TANTAREZ with a triumphant flourish. Deliver the License to Depart.
To render any recording technology or flash photography invisible to venue security:
Standard Banishing Rites. The magic words SOLINAM, CARARKAU, ZAMNITY, ETINARMI gives total invisibility even to the eyes of TF, so that God alone shall witness the actions of the Karcist. The talisman is gold satin embroidered with black silk.” Black Pullet characters must be graven on the outer side of the ring (and worn on different fingers for different Operations).
For a mini West Coast tour in the summer of 2010 e.v. :
Banishings. In an impregnable Goetic circle offer 3 pieces of Wonder Bread laden with unreal blue butterfly eyes and spread with mouse jam. Place Witches’ Breath and Orion’s Jewels in an empty Snapple bottle that was struck by lightning and bury in a place of your own choosing. To summon BANNETH (to do your bidding), utter the magic words: ZIPPITY DOO DAA ZIPPITY YEAH! Listen for voces magicae. If BANNETH refuses at first, petition him again, this time offering also green bees and popcorn. Discharge the rebellious spirit with the License to Depart.
For a mini East Coast tour in the summer of 2010 e. v. :
Same as the instructions for the West Coast, only substitute the magic word: AEEIOUO (in wing formation), with “Wise” chips and “Nathan’s” dog rather than unreal blue butterfly eyes sandwich (spread with mouse jam). License to Fart… before Departing.
To have MJK give you and your friends a personal tour of his Arizona terroir:
Banishings. In a protective magic circle place a slice of rooster pie, skunk-cabbage, iris-root, tablespoon of abtina incense, pinch of moonbeam, deer’s horn shavings, thimble of wine from “La Chouette Noire (Black Owl), and Waahoo bark. With a “Pullet” talisman embroidered in silver on black satin, the evoking words are GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY. Conjure and compel the spirit with rose-colored wings to provide a quill with which to write one’s desire on a virgin papyrus with the dust of Cassiopeia. Place in an envelope and mail to anywhere with an upside-down stamp. Give the License to Depart.
To sit next to Danny and Adam at a Lakers’ play-off game and win two free tacos from Jack In The Box afterwards: (works also with sitting next to Justin at a Chelsea football match):
Initial Banishing Rites. Talismans on bronzed steel graven with diverse characters in the protective circle. Violet satin figures embroidered in yellow worn on the head. Offerings of a knotless piece of string, purple puppy paws, and a chewed wad of Beelzebubble gum. Speaking with a hoarse voice, say the magic words: BIBBIDY-BOBBITY-BOO, PIPPITY-POPPITY-POO! The spirit will appear as a three-eyed Jack from a sabbac deck. With its painted dagger, command him to trace in flames and deliver the object of your desire (explaining before giving the License to Depart that you will later bring him the free Jack In The Box taco coupons).
To get (Tool) to perform with “Kovenant” at the Ichthus Festival in Kentucky:
Standard Banishings. From a jewel-encrusted reliquary offer the spirit a 1001 spit-wads made from pages of a Gideon’s Bible whilst uttering the magic words: YABBA-DABBA-DOO. License to Depart, you bet… (see “Grimorium Verum”).
To get (Tool) to perform live at your birthday party, wedding reception, Bar Mitzvah, Bris, last child’s baptism, first human sacrifice, aborigine walkabout, initiation with Bullet Ants or Papuan crocodile scars:
Preliminary Banishings (of course!) Abstain from listening to (Tool) for three months. Under favorable constellations, in a fortified Goetic circle, place one can of Campbell’s “Cream of Caterpillar” soup, sparkling black juice, TRUE pizzazz, devil’s shoestring, 7 golden tulips, a red margarita, buckeye charms, iridescent wings of wasps, walnuts, Chinese Wash, lilies, rusty nails, and the ashes of little frogs (see: “Kyranides”). With a drum roll flourish, simultaneously utter and scrawl with a black crayon on a patch of red carpet the magic word: OPRAH! If the spirit is rebellious, toss some corpse-coins and moldy cheddar cheese into the circle. Discharge with the License to Depart, threatening if need be with the blasting-rod (and get the hell out of there!)
To have (Tool) open for Pink Floyd at the Royal Albert Hall, or for Rush somewhere (Neuschwabenland?), or with King Crimson at Madison Square Garden, or to perform with “Muse” on a rooftop in Teignmouth, Devon:
After standard Banishing procedures, under a gibbous moon, construct a magic circle from dried autumn leaves. Place therein a palindromic magic square graven on a special metal lamen. Also some King Solomon’s oil, confusion dust, and black art powder. Additionally, as part of the offertory, on a brazier of charcoal roast the emerald eye of a dove whilst sprinkling libations of cheap brandy. The “La Poule Noire” talisman is on cerise (or puce)-colored satin embroidered with gold. The potent words are: PASAIM, ZINGO,POLASTRIEN, TERPANDU, OSTRATA, PERICATUR, ERMAS… PRESTO! Discharge the spirit without leaving any evil smell behind thee.
To get (Tool) to finally release a live DVD:
Banishings. The Karcist shall place himself/herself inside the Goetic circle, and with a bumblebee shooter (or cat’s agate), in a single shot, using one’s thumb, change or re-arrange the Christensen agate bloodies arranged to form an inverted pentacle back into an un-inverted pentacle. If successful, put the marbles back in the bag and quickly and quietly depart the scene.
To receive an after-show pass and actually meet a (Tool) band member after the show:
Commence standard Banishings. Offer the spirit the following: Heart of a vampire rabbit, an undertaker’s wart, brass knobs, elephant eggs, dragon bones, pond scum, and jar of Leprechaun piss. Without smiling, utter the magic word, GORGANZOLA! Command the spirit in forceful tones to provide you with the pass, thus turning a lump of coal into a great treasure. Give the License to Depart and get a lanyard.