For the past couple of weeks several of the band members have been tirelessly jamming, writing and arranging new music for a forthcoming album (as Maynard finishes up the current APC tour and tends to certain zymurgical pursuits). Contrary to any rumors that might be circulating out there, Adam has not been in England for several weeks hunting pheasant, grouse, partridge, guinea fowl, woodcock, common snipe or any other commonly hunted galliformes. Forget about what you read in the “Upland Journal” - he hasn’t been slogging through the pine-clad dales of Yorkshire, nor with shotgun in hand in the mist-enshrouded reed-beds of Cornwall, seeking his quarry. There are no castle hotels, flushing dogs, or unpredictable weather. Thanks to a battery-powered hypnobioscope (a truly remarkable device that I found at a flee-market in Pacoima!), I also know that he’s currently not over in Merry Ole investigating Stonehenge, woolly rhinos, or hoaxing agro-glyphs for future comic book issues. Nor has he been studying oil painting and climbing Big Ben whilst eating a McDonald’s Big Mac. Same goes for learning the proper way of eating a Mcvities’ biscuit, or the buttery goodness of any Hobnobs, shortbread or Tim Tams with his cup of Earl Grey in the warmth of an ensorcelled peat fire in some rustic country house. If you saw someone who looked like Adam sipping ale served by grey-bobbed fustilugs in pubs with names like “The Three-Legged Mare”, “Bucket of Blood”, “Slug and Lettuce” or “The Hairy Lemon”, it wasn’t Tool’s guitarist. So don’t email me about him checking out the crinkum-crankum in any British pub with its real ale, good food, strange, cheerful staff and a very nice cat. No, like I’ve said – he’s been working with his nanoguitar on a complex piece of music whose working title is “Floccinaucinihilipilification.” Likewise, take it from this fanfaron that Danny hasn’t been going to Lakers home games in his orange Lambo, flying in Gates’ burnt-ends for Sunday K.C. Chiefs games (in some futile alexipharmic hope!), attending meetings with Evil Joe Barresi about a possible Volto recording project, purchasing a ribbon-controller and other vintage trifles for his modular monstrosities, nor engaging in strange mesonoxian rituals. As with Adam, the Tool drummer has been focusing all his energy on the new Tool material. Ditto for Justin. Forget anything you’ve heard about his renting out the SilverLake Cha Cha Lounge for a private party celebrating his 40th birthday, attempting to get forty of his friends to skydive (only to be cancelled due to bad weather conditions… and certain mesonoxian rituals on my part) or refurbishing a 17th-century sailing vessel. As sure as the retrieved Roswell saucer is hidden in an old Tootsie Roll factory in New Jersey, no tequila shots katzenjammer is going to keep him from developing those innovative bass parts!
Q: “Blair, this is a TOOL website right? Well how about actually posting something TOOL related...anything would be nice. I mean I know Maynard makes wine and that’s great and all but, what’s going on with the band? Shit man, make something up if you have to, but people in New Orleans can’t very well drive to Cali to see VOLTO or go to a
wine signing so please, give us some news! Sincerely, Joseph.”
A: From what I’ve been told, the band is planning on doing a ‘secret’ concert really soon in New Orleans. This is going to be a massive production with a horizontal holographic surround sound system based on the two-dimensional Fourier transform (or something like that). Besides the digitally created phase inversion of sonic holography, there will be lighting effects that include Fairchild plasma optoelectronics and the most advanced (legal) liquid-nitrogen-cooled multicolored laser system available - all of which will be filmed for a live DVD. Supposedly, the set list for this three-hour extravaganza will include MANY songs that the band hasn’t played in years, including the “Lateralus” album in its entirety. Additionally, some of the guest performers include Robert Fripp, Jimmy Page, Terry Bossio, Tori Amos, and, of course, Harry Connick Jr. During the encore (a zydeco-rendition of “Hooker With A Penis”), Danny will summon Marie Laveau from the dead in order to reveal true 13 Phase Unity Merkaba Lightbody Activation (thus doing away with the need for any backstage passes!). After the show, as a tribute to all their fans in NOLA, the band will throw a spectacular backstage party, with tuxedoed and top-hatted zombies serving complimentary Dixie Beer, shots of absinthe, and iced champagne laced with Gib’s “Bottled Hell.” There will also be plenty of special Tool JAMBALAYA, red beans & rice, Jujube-studded flaming Bananas Foster and glittering Beignets! Volto! to support. And when it’s all over, in order to keep the live DVD under wraps, all those in attendance will be zapped by a memory-erasing device (Acme Neuralyzer) that was borrowed from Level 7 of the underground facility at Archuleta Mesa in Dulce, New Mexico. Therefore, Joseph, it might be that you’ve already saw the show of all Tool shows. Even met the band members! Might that explain those Jujubes in your pocket?
Q: “Hello, I would like to know if Tool plans to go on another tour sometime soon? My boyfriend and I live in Virginia and he LOVES Tool! Tool is the only band he will go see in concert. He is one of the Best guys in the world who like many has had a bad year due to lack of work. I would love to surprise him with the opportunity to go to one of your shows and have been checking your site off and on for the past year. Everything has been out west and beyond. I hope you can respond back with good news. I look forward to hearing back from you.”
A: Although I don’t have any specific details, look for some American tour dates in 2011. East coast venues (possibly including Virginia) are a good possibility.
Q: Is it a possibility that there will be posters with Adams artwork
available at the Australian concerts? Cheers, Matt.”
A: Yes, I would expect to see them at the merch booths for each venue. There might also be some left over SIGNED 2010 WEST COAST/CANADA TOUR POSTERS (and shirts) for sale as specialty items in the TOOLARMY SHOPPING BAZAAR in the near future.
Q: “Hello. Are you guys ever coming to San Antonio? That would really make my day!
huh.... I guess I’m your youngest fan since I’m fourteen.”
A: As a card-carrying member of “The Benevolent Order of Armadillos”, I believe that they will (SOMEDAY), although hopefully by then the San Antonio “curse” will be lifted without further banishing rites, etc.
Q: “Will the band be releasing and official vinyl version of "10,000 Days" at all? And
would they consider doing a re-issue of "Aenima" on vinyl for those of us who can't afford an original?”
A: I don’t know about Aenima, but I’m fairly certain that “10,000 Days” vinyl will be released soon - this because I’ve recently seen some test-pressings at Danny’s manse.
Q: Hello! My name is ********* and I am enquiring about an all access pass to either Big Day Out Gold Coast on Jan 23rd or Brisbane Entertainment Centre on Jan 24th. I truly know how bloody cheeky this sounds, I actually feel quite bad about enquiring in the first place, but there is a valid reason. I'm not simply a die-hard who wants to meet the band (although I can't rule myself out of that category, either!). I have a ticket already to both of these events (albeit crappy ones). I will however, be 37 weeks pregnant (less than 3 weeks from popping), and can't bear the thought of missing out on the shows while the guys are in Oz. Big Day Out is going to be an interesting scenario because it is exactly that... a HUGE day out, sweltering sun, and no seating. Perfect for a woman the size of a house and about to bust at the guts. My ticket to the entertainment centre is in a silver reserved seat (only took 15 mins for the gold reserved to sell out while I was waiting patiently in line), and is up a MILLION flights of stairs. Again, perfect for the fatty. I'm not even sure who I should be contacting about this issue… but you seemed a good first try. Perhaps you can point me in the right direction? Again, I know I'm being cheeky, but it's worth asking in any case.”
A: Banged up, by Jingo! Sounds like someone cracked a fat without a franger. Well, that’s wonderful, dear! Nothing like ankle bitters and carpet grubs. Little nipper’s gonna be a great croc hunter, I reckon (or maybe even the manager of an OutBack Steak House). Though I’m currently busier than a one-armed taxi driver with crabs, here’s what I suggest. Once you enter the BDO, with all those bloody yobbos and gutfuls of piss in your way, hoof it – flat out like a lizard drinking – towards the main stage area. Because it’s right hot, be sure to take a breather at the first billabong (no worries about that bunyip – it’s not as aggro as you’ve been told). Continue on, watching out for salties, dingos and such… The mozzies and kookas will be bad, but it’s the same for every bastard and his dog. Once you’ve reached the third humpy, sneak around the first jumbuck acting the raw prawn (that’s security, but there’s no need to fart a crowbar) until you see a fella there with a face like a festered pickle in a brown Akubra. (He’ll probably also be wearing a necklace of shark’s teeth and other Aussie foofaraw.) Ask him to take you back to where the ambos, garbos, kangas, and divvy vans are parked. Back where the barbies are smoking shrimp for the band and crew. Here, the stage manager should be obvious as a pimple on a pumpkin. He’s the fellow buzzing around like a blue-arsed fly. Tell him that your mate, BMB, sent you, and… Bob’s your uncle! Oh, and I was only taking a piss: there are no salties to worry about…
CALLING ALL OCCULTISTS
“Blair 93! I'm currently researching Western Esotericism here at the Universiteit Van Amsterdam. I'm not sure if you're familiar with this program, I imagine you are, but it's gone a long way towards legitimizing the study of esotericism in academia. Of great concern to me and others involved in this program is that our largest resource here in town, the Bibliotheca Philosophica Hermetica, has been
closed, possibly permanently. There's a petition to keep it open that I was hoping you might sign and maybe use your vast powers to help promote.” The petition link is http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/ritmanlibrary/