As promised in the May (2011) Newsletter, on Friday, May 27th, I braved Maricopa Sheriff Joe Araio (not to mention black-hatted Alzur agents) and drove to Sedona Arizona with hopes of meeting first-hand interplanetary avatar ZEMKLA JR (from the planet Selo in the “Bernard’s” star system). The purpose of this meeting, as I mentioned in the last newsletter, was to double-check the calculations used by the cosmic intelligence as instrumented by the primary terrestrial mental channel in determining the release date for the next TOOL recording. Using an antique battery charged in the 1950s by members of the Aetherius Society (that I recently purchased on eBay), once I had ascertained the correct coordinates and other pertinent information, I encountered ZEMKLA JR. in his Reticulan “jumpcraft’ near the vortex at Bell Rock. (Skeptics might want to check the position of Ophiuchus [The Serpent-Bearer] at the time of this contact!)

Prepared to be chastened for using the three “confusers” – alcohol, tobacco and coffee, upon seeing ZEMKLA JR., the first thing that I noticed was that he indeed did resemble a “Missouri Mexican” wearing an astral tennis outfit. And as it turned out, there was a good reason for this. As was almost immediately evident (there’s quite a difference between a tall boy Tecate and a crystal glass of Plobium!) the person ‘impersonating’ the Glorious One was, in fact, a Mexican-American from the “Show Me State.” Although I don’t feel it is necessary to reveal the exact reason for the deception, I will tell you that the imposter was more interested in another form of currency than green trading disks. With this in mind, any predictions about a release date should be regarded as highly dubious at best (if only the old radio evangelist would have double-checked his “Judgement Day” calculations, perhaps no one would have committed suicide because of his [erroneous] prediction). As is the case with the so-called Biblical Rapture, it would appear that when it comes to the release date of the next TOOL album, NO ONE KNOWS THE DAY OR THE HOUR. Therefore it could be later than May 22, 2012, or sooner. Or it could be that (somehow) I was right on the money. We’ll just have to wait and see…

The one thing that I did find particularly interesting about the May 22 (or May 15) release date in my (obvious) parody of Harold Camping and his doomsday prediction is that so many people actually took it seriously, even though I clearly stated that the info was obtained via trance-contact from an interplanetary avatar from the city of Farlon on the planet Selo in the Bernard’s star system! After posting the newsletter, I thought that a handful of ToolArmy folk might believe it (the same trusting, shall we say, highly enthusiastic types that believed that Maynard quit the band after finding God, which was posted on the site as an April Fool’s joke many years ago), but to see it given credence on so many other websites, it’s not too hard to see why Mr. Camping had so many believers. And even if some people thought that the whole ZEMKLA JR. thing was just a “clever” or “cryptic” way of announcing the release date, what should have been a tip-off right away was my stating at the beginning that “no matter how many new TOOL tunes are complete, I will personally guarantee that the new CD will be released on May 22…” How could anyone (other than that pleasant deliverer, Obelisong)) possibly know this at this stage of the writing process!

Finally, there was the Taco Bell mention, which prompted some people to take out their Tool decoder rings in order to tease out some relevant meaning. Well, the truth of the matter is that this is exactly what happened once I had finished writing the newsletter, and decided to make a run for the ‘border.’ At the time I thought it was both amusing and a bit bizarre. Yet, for whatever reason, synchronicities like this happen to me all the time. So put your Tool decoder rings away… (for now).

E-MAIL

SUBJECT: TA SITE

Q: “Hey Blair, how are you? As you mentioned you keep getting mostly 'when the f**k is the new album going to be done?!' kinda' questions, I thought i'd ask what we might expect from the 'updating' of the site? Will we see more Occult & Esoteric themes in the artwork & layout? All in all how's it coming along? Waiting,.. patiently...”

A: Although I am very reluctant to comment on any progress being made on upgrading or, better yet, developing a brand new website, I am FINALLY fairly confident that the band has found the right person (and artists) for the job. I can’t say exactly when my – I mean the new TOOL site will be launched, but hopefully it will be in the next few months. Again, hopefully…

SUBJECT: MUSIC ARRANGEMENTS AND MAYNARD

Q: “Every now and again, I run into a tool fan who only focuses on Maynard. That's all they talk about, don't get my wrong I think he's the shit too, but some don't even mention the other three members and what they contribute, this is only a minor group of people that seem to do it. It irks me a bit. I was wondering if you could tell me how much of a part does Maynard play in the music composition or arrangements?”

A: First off, he writes ALL of the vocal melodies and ALL of the lyrics. If that weren’t enough, I would imagine that he also contributes to the music composition (again, aside from the vocal melodies) and arrangements, as do ALL of the band members.

SUBJECT: NEW ALBUM

Q: Will there be any dubstep featured in TOOL's new album?

A: Maybe in the cover of “Meat Hook Sodomy” by Cannibal Corpse, or “Bring your Daughter to the Slaughter” by Iron Maiden. I’m only kidding, Guitar World, etc.

SUBJECT: OPIATE EP

Q: Blair, I recently bought a vinyl Opiate album, I know there are several in circulation and I'm wondering why mine has Cold and Ugly double cut with the Gaping Lotus Experience, first, on side-B. The weird thing is that it is immediately followed by Cold and Ugly double cut with nothing. It's probably just a reissue I haven't read about but I want to know if I have something special.

A: http://toolvinyl.com/tool-vinyl-buyers-guide/ Perhaps this will help you. Not to be insensitive or a show-off, in case you didn’t know, “Opiate” is also available in a more modern CD (compact disc) format, and with these you don’t have to worry about double-cut groves, etc. I’m just putting it out there…

SUBJECT: VISUAL TRAINING

Q: Hello Blair, I hope that you may find time to answer this question. You were talking about a Reptilian Royal family, setting out to Rule the world. I find this concept fascinating, but of course I am highly dubious. Not of the power struggles, or of the presence of ET/ED's on this planet, but of the 'reptilian' race or shape shifters. The question is, where would be the first place to look to find actual evidence, or even a series of compelling 'coincidences' that may lead to a logical conclusion that the presence of this species is a living reality? Also, Is there any sort of visual training that I could undertake in order to perceive more clearly who is and who isnt? Perhaps what to look or, something for the schema.

A: Although I very much appreciate the question, metaphors aside, I haven’t a good answer. You could try the Reptoid Research Center (www.reptoids.com), or seek advice from that egg-hatched Lady GaGa thing (presumably while wearing a Positive Orgone Energy Pendant), but I seriously doubt neither of them have any real idea. However, once again, it’s reassuring to know that there is someone capable to take over as content manager of the Tool websites in the event that something happens to me. As a matter of fact, while in Sedona over the Memorial Day weekend, I was bitten several times by a poisonous spider (what type, I’m not sure, but I discovered an extremely large Hobo spider [my arch-nemesis from rainy Portland, Oregon days] near the bed in the loft of my chalet the next day), and was advised by a local pharmacist to go to the emergency room. Rather than do that, I am taking Benadryl, and noticed some improvement yesterday. Yet, as I write this, some of the swelling appears to be coming back, along with patches of redness surrounding the blackish bite marks. Damn, I certainly hope I don’t become a victim of my own doing – in an attempt to photograph ‘ZEMKLA JR.’ at the Bell Rock Portal (all part of the parody!). That is to say, I hope the joke’s not on me… And yet, any damage to my body (and soul) from that brown monster under my bed would seem to legitimize having to endure decades of arachnophobia… Well, I better quit now before this starts to sound like my personal blog…

HAPPY TRAILS

BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM