Our first item of news, morbid as it might be, concerns pieces of Danny’s flesh that were carefully scraped off the muffler of one of his prized motorcycles during a recent mishap in his driveway. I’m very excited to announce that these 100% authentic pieces of scorched flesh from one of the world’s greatest drummers will be available for sale in the ToolArmy SHOPPING BAZAAR (or should I say BIZARRE?) sometime later TONIGHT. As this is a LIMITED EDITION of only 150 individual samples (each packaged in a clear envelope for easy display), those who are interested are advised to check the store regularly. Orders are strictly limited to ONE PER TOOLARMY MEMBER, and each package also comes with a certificate of authenticity. Once these are sold out, there will be no more produced (unless, of course, he has a similar mishap). BTW, Danny’s leg is healing nicely, and he’s already back to pounding away on the drums. In other news, prior to the nasty muffler burn, D.C. was bitten on the finger by a (very) venomous spider at the rehearsal space (I’ve seen black widows there, but Danny isn’t sure what type of horror got him), which, I’m happy to report, has also since healed nicely. And NO, we’re not selling the scab… (Yep, thought about it too late.)
Assuming that you know all about the A PERFECT CIRCLE tour and new PUSCIFER TRACK (“MAN OVERBOARD”), other than another TOOL WEBSITE MEETING on Friday, DANNY being the guest drummer for the Monday Night Jammmz (JULY 25), and on-going TOOL WRITING SESSIONS at the loft, there’s not much news this month. Therefore, let’s answer some of the more relevant e-mail, shall we… (Opening a bottle of Red Stripe)…
SUBJECT: “TOOL AND WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?”
“Hello Sir, I do not know why I thought to write this to you now, but I will be
brief. A few years ago a couple of my pals and I dropped some acid. We next played Aenima, then turned on the tube to watch some cable. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" was on, but we could not hear the audio because we were listening to Aenima. The two synced together perfectly, like the old Pink Floyd and "Wizard of Oz" trick. It was amazing. I was curious if this was intentional or some miraculous quinky dink. Thank you for your time, and no I am not crazy. I just have not heard of anyone ever discovering this and was hoping, by some fat chance, that I was the first.”
P-p-p-please!.. Alright… finally (Ding. Ding. Ding.) I was beginning to wonder if the puzzle contained in the “10,000 Days” packaging would ever be solved. Congrats! Now, if you and your wastoid buddies would have had the audio turned up, you might have heard what Donald called Daffy during their piano duel… Anyway, congrats again! But don’t go jumping out of any two-story windows… unless, that is, you get the go-ahead from a jeweled seahorse with a monocle and tiny pith helmet floating around in the garden.
SUBJECT: “NEW ALBUM”
Hello, how much longer will we wait to have Tool's new album?
I’m guessing until it’s released.
SUBJECT: “ADAM JONES (WWE) 7/4/11”
“I was at home, and decided to turn on the TV. The World Wrestling Entertainment has been doing pretty well, post WrestleMania. So, I wanted to check-in. I'm watching for about 30 minutes, and they were entering into there second to the last segment. They position the cameras to the announcement table. Just as I'm about to change the channel... I notice this guy, who has long salt & pepper hair. I'm pretty sure, that man was Adam Jones. If it was indeed him... It makes me happy that know one knew who he was. There was no CG banner, with his name underneath him. I'm pretty sure there was no BIG announcement! They can still pretty much walk around freely. I dig it!”
And exactly how much acid did you drop? Just kidding, bro. It definitely WAS Adam walking around freely. He’s a big fan of that… sport. (Honestly)
SUBJECT:”LOSE YOUR DELUSIONAL OSMOSIS”
“I have been using a "carbon copy" analog delay pedalto generate vibrational frequencies in the chicago sector. I hypothesize the message originating out my window from my violin amber sunburst PRS Hollowbody/100 W Mesa Nomad Head can take shape in various forms. Entering the ear canal of the receiving subject, one may carry the message to certain locations - and transmit message to other recipients eventually reaching intended target. Perhaps the light frequencies observed are the result of sonic science. Whatever frequency your niche is.”
Why are so many acid freaks sending email this month? This isn’t the Sugarland website. Yes, perhaps the light frequencies observed are… but DON’T go jumping out of that window… unless, of course the sparkling elf on a cardboard box of ice-cream cones gives you a nod whilst crapping tiny sepia-colored herds of cows in an uproarious meadow with dancing squid eyes and singing rubber nickels…
SUBJECT: "WHOLE FOODS"
“I really want to try Maynard's wine, but my Whole Foods does not carry it. I've expressed my overwhelming desire to work at the whole foods in Arizona just for the chance to thank Maynard personally, but unfortunately, I cannot afford the trip. But my dream will never die. Hope this message reaches you, and wish with all my heart to one day meet the band. Until then, I will continue to spiral out and reach for whatever will bewilder me.”
You might attempt to summon Zagan from a directory of spirits such as the “Goetia.” According the popular grimoire, being the 61st spirit, Zagan can turn blood into wine, or even water into wine. But even if you’re not successful, what ever you do - don’t do anything stupid like smoking pot or, Grocery gods forbid, stealing anything from the shelves. You don’t want to wind up slinging yogurt, do you?
“Hey Blair, I was wondering if you knew anything about numerology, and what your opinions on it and numbers such as the life path and expression numbers were. I barely know anything about it, but just looked it up and found the both of these numbers were 11 for me. What are your thoughts, if any, on this number 11 in particular? I appreciate your time in reading this, and don't really expect a response, just felt like asking for your thoughts. Thanks.”
Numerology! I’d rather watch back-to-back episodes of Animal Planet’s “Hunting Bigfoot…” in a room full of Squatchers enveloped with gloom-farts from pepperoni sticks, stale Cheez-its, and Chocolate Yoo-hoos than engage in any form of numerology… I’d rather go bowling with a broken leg and frozen butternut squash than get caught up in that stuff… Hell, I’d rather eat a slice of dingleberry pie with a bevy of Miami blue hairs at Perkins Pancake House after Sunday church service in Ponca City, Oklahoma than engage in any form of numerology… Numerology! You mean like 5232012?..
SUBJECT: “CAPTAIN AMERICA”
“So I saw the Captain America trailer and was blown away that my favorite band was in the trailer of one of my favorite Marvel characters. I was wondering if they are featured in the movie is well, and if anyone in the band is a comic fan. I know
that people probably say this all the time, but I honestly am one of Tools biggest
fans. Not to say I worship them per say but there is just something about their
music that connects with me no matter what mood I am in. Thank you for reading this and for the reply, if you choose to do so.”
Sir, do you really think Paramount has that kind of money? And I’ve never heard anyone ever suggest that they’re one of Tool’s biggest fans.
SUBJECT: “ADAM ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW?”
“Was watching wrestling (WWE) Monday June 27th and I'm almost positive I spotted Adam behind the announcers at the taping. Can u confirm?”
I seriously doubt it was Adam Jones from Tool. Monday is one of the Tool writing/arranging days…
(Opens another bottle of Red Stripe after pausing to watch “At Home With Venetia.”)
SUBJECT: “CHORONZON’S VOICE/DARKLORE”
“eHey I'm totally addicted to Darklore, the writing in it is superb. After reading
your article in one of them referring to Choronzon's voice emanating out of the
"cosmic hiss" it occurred to me that that may have been what inspired Viginti Tres. I was also wondering if anyone of the Darklore writers including you would write an article on Drunvalo Melchizideck. Maybe not much to prove there, but from a phenomenological standpoint the fact that so many people are doing the Merkaba and he is one of the few spiritualist today who seems to have been influenced by Hermes/Thoth. Anyway love your writing and wit, thanks.”
Now that you mention it, I’ll bet a canned cheeseburger that it was the inspiration for Viginti Tres! But even if not, it’s still a good plug for Darklore. Sort of… (A little wit there for you, my friend.)
SUBJECT: “THE LATURALUS TOUR INDRODUCTION”
Greetings, Blair. I was curious to know what the name of the song and/or artist was that Tool used to open with during their Lateralus tour back in the early 2000's. I believe it was Tuvan throat-singing. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I don’t know. Can you tell me what those “Heaven’s Gate” people were going to use their $5.75 for – on an alien spaceship? Get the idea? I’m very busy here…
SUBJECT: “THE MAGICAL 13TH STEP…”
“I believe my final test of patience is at hand; Whole Foods fired me on the 8th for
"theft" and smoking pot on company property, which I admitted to without hesitation. Now, if my skills in civil disobedience, philosophy, grammar, and synesthesia serve me well enough, the formal dispute I am writing will go pretty far. Wish me luck. I know you're all right by my side on this one, grinning, with your third eyes open wide. :-)”
Oh, damn… Maybe saying that you stole the pot from ANOTHER Whole Foods employee might be your best defense… and that you only flamed up the dobbie because of having to deal with all the anxiety from… people honking in the crowded parking lot, trying to squeeze their Prius between the spaces so they can get their reindeer pate… Yeah, the parking lot… I’ll give it some more thought, but I think the parking lot is the key thing here…
SUBJECT: “TOOL PRE-SHOW MUSIC”
“I've heard some tuva music before tool shows. Can you tell me what specific musician plays this music. Thanks.”
Great question. I’m fairly certain that it was a sample of a tuvan-throat singer from southern Siberia recorded on a Nagra ARES-PII+ in a stinky tunnel in Amsterdam. I believe the fellow’s name was Bob-o, but NOT the world famous “Squatch” hunter. Thanks for asking, and don’t forget to take your sheets out of the freezer tonight.
“1990 called and they want their website back.”
Yeah, well, be expecting a text message from a mediocre comedian saying that he wants his 90s catchphrase insult back. BAM!
SUBJECT: “TOOL’S COPING WITH”
"I'm not here to ask questions that cannot be answered nor am I asking questions I have no business knowing. I just was wanting to know a little bit about how tool is spending the summer finishing up their album with maynard on tour with a perfect circle? How dows that work? I saw apc on the thirtieth of june in kent and it was awesome just as the first night in seattle last fall. But I couldnt help but wonder what is the rest of tool doing while maynard is working with puscifer and apc. How are they recording?"
Well… Actually, to be quite honest, it’s a pretty sad situation. Pathetic, actually, with the three of them just sitting around at the rehearsal space with guitars detuned and amps buzzing as two of them attempt to pick up dropped guitar picks with their dirty toes, and one repeatedly loosens and tightens a wing-nut as if frozen in a perpetual loop. When they’re not moping about, sucking on Pixy Stix and looking for Black Widows, to pass the time, they play Tiddlywinks and Chinese Checkers on Robitussin. That or get into heated arguments about recent episodes of “Real House Wives of Orange County.” It’s a damn shame too, because all the while the Dry-Erase board remains full of meaningless squiggly colors and bloodied bashed flies. Occasionally, in a desperate attempt to draw inspiration, they will closely watch the Arrowhead water guy as he picks up empty bottles, or listen intently to the sound made by crumpled cellophane bags of potato chips. Sometimes they listen to “Undertow.” Recently, one of the band members grabbed a shotgun and blew a considerable sized hole in the wall out of sheer frustration. Finally, having run out of Red Bulls and horse radish, Danny decided to go fishing (more info on www.dannycarey.com), with Adam following suit by hanging out at WWE wrestling events. Justin flew to England. And now that they’re back, it’s the same old story. You’d think they would continue jamming, writing, and arranging new material, knowing fully well that Maynard would add vocals, lyrics, keys, etc., as well as contributing to the entire process with outstanding results. But NO… intense arguments about the “House Wives of Orange County” continue as they sit on their stools with earplugs, wondering if “The Green Lantern” sequel needs any music for its trailer…
… But then something truly amazing happened. While arguing over who gets what Tiddlywinks squidger (each anticipating a good squop, and Justin even thinking about a possible PENHALIGON!), suddenly the jagged cracks in the plaster from the recent shotgun blast inexplicably (nay, miraculously) formed the magical seal of Paimon (yes, the Goetic sigil that resembles 4 human figures standing next to one another). Seconds later, amid a flourish of trumpets and the mighty crashing of cymbals, Paimon emerged through the, now, spectral hole in the wall, seated upon a glittering dromedary and wearing a magnificent divers-colored robe redolent with arcane perfumes. As trumpets played a crazy, jazzy anti-dirge, the bloodied, swatted flies on the Dry-Erase board quickly underwent a remarkable transformation. With the dried blood vividly reddening before being absorbed back into the repulsive things, the flies became re-animated, taking on a healthy iridescence before darting away in the crescendoing agitato. In the same restorative instant, the colored squiggles changed into meaningful chord progressions, time signatures, and recognizable musical cues (such as “glue 8”, and “straight 4”). Soon, ideas began to flow, and it wasn’t long before the rehearsal space was filled with heavy guitar riffs and drums, an arrangement with sublime resolution and transitions. In short, the sound of Tool… But, to answer the question: they haven’t started recording yet…