A certain_______ recently emailed to let me know that he doesn’t like Volto, The Baked Potato, The Monday Might Jammmz, Monday nights, APC, Puscifer, Alex Grey, Chet Zar, Aloke Dutta, WWE Summer Slam, the band’s friends or family… and he sure as shit doesn’t like me (although he didn’t mention it, he probably doesn’t like the silver Coleman either!) He ONLY wants TOOL news! So, I waited for some… and, finally, got some (phew!!!). Are you ready? Here we go: DANNY and JUSTIN (both being members of TOOL) just returned… from a fishing trip in ALASKA. That’s right, you read that correctly… ALASKA! Just when things were rolling along at the loft with the writing and arranging sessions (and what I’ve heard so far sounds truly great!), the rhythm section decided to take a little vacation. Well, isn’t that dandy… fishing in ALASKA. Thought they might catch some halibut, or king salmon, or artic char, or, perhaps, even reel in a sea serpent called “Caddy.” DANNY… JUSTIN… what the fuck is wrong with the pristine wilderness of Gelson’s fish counter? Ever try the tuna sandwich at Subway? Even fucking Arby’s now has a fucking fish sandwich! How about getting one or two to go, and taking ‘em back to the loft to get some more writing done?
Sure, I’d like to put down my pen, pick up my pole, put on my “If Jesus comes back, we’ll kill him again” tee-shirt for Sarah, and go catch me some snapper or rainbow trout. Fishing with the mosquitoes and a couple of sixers of Hefeweizen sounds pretty fucking good right now. Maybe even hit the “Alaska Burger Cabin” or drop in at “Katch a Mac” for a quarter-pounder, fries, and Coke (just look for the golden totem poles), but I’ve got Tool-related things to do… Jack Sprat’s! Come on TOOL RHYTHM SECTION, we’d all like to go fishing! What if Janet Napolitano wanted to go fucking fishing in ALASKA as the 10-year 9/11 anniversary nears! Or, the entire Department of Homeland Security, for that matter! We’ll catch Gaddafi when we get back from fishing… We’ll get right back to looking for those girls missing in Aruba as soon as we return from catching Northern Pike in ALASKA… Hey, Justin Bieber!, your Ferrari just got hit by a Honda! You can put it in the body shop after you go fishing in ALASKA…Get the idea, guys!..
Wait a minute… “The Shadow is Ripening”…Oh!.. So the whole “Gone fishing” thing was really about… And the Arby’s fish filet was dry… Never mind, then…