FEBRUARY, 2019 E.V.
I just finished watching a LIVE PD marathon (host Ellen Degeneres can be pretty witty at times) in order to get a random sample of the progress we humans are making after billions of years of evolution combined with some genetic manipulation by our apathetic ultra-human helpers, when I realized that – besides the boon to the growth of Pahrump, Nevada that the show will surely elicit - it’s time to post a newsletter to keep fans updated on anything noteworthy in the world of Tool. Unfortunately, because of my non-disclosure agreement, there’s only so much that I can say about the next album without being buried up to my neck and have my face slathered with a honey dressing made from the blossoms of Robinia pseudoacacia that 9 out of 10 imported Australian bull ants prefer (according to maverick entomologist Rance Q. Spartley).
Even if I ignored my confidentiality agreement, I honestly don’t have any timetables, etc. that I’m certain are accurate, any more than I can conclusively say that there is incontrovertible evidence that the atmospheric density of the earth prevails throughout the multiverse and one who sees beyond the lens-distorted illusions of curvature can travel to the pole points and continue straight ahead to the planets and stars on a snow tractor. So, with regards to the next album, lets just say that there are no specifics but lots of positives! (Also, seeing how one or two band members have already given their best gestimated time frames for the release of the record, that particular ‘newsflash’ is readily available.) However, with things moving along nicely, I do have a suggestion for both the band and their fans.
First to the band: Once the album is mixed to everyone’s satisfaction, SHOULD they once again call upon Bob Ludwig’s mastering services (and I DON'T KNOW if they will, having not glanced into the psychomanteum chamber at my resort style living apartment complex - so kindly IGNORE this, on-line metal rags!), once the process is finished and (IF) the guys gather with bibs at the table for a celebratory feast of Maine lobster (Oceanum scorpionem) and schooners of “Grateful Grain” beer, perhaps the crustaceans with cute nicknames like Larry Bobster and Red McCrackle should be sedated by marijuana prior to being boiled alive in the kettle. I actually received the news that some chefs in the Pine State are hotboxing cannabis to the invertebrates from Matt “Hellboy” Smith, who passed along a link in anticipation (or concern) that the band might be headed to Maine at some point.
Although licensed medicinal marijuana caregivers (or sous chefs) turning on lobsters surely brings smiles to the faces of PETA members (thus killing a collection of microscopic animals on their own faces in the process), doing so begs the current marketplace price as to whether or not the THC can mediate the psychoactive (hopefully calming) effects of any cannabinoid receptors (let alone if cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome should be of any concern to those donning the toque blanche).
And now a suggestion to Tool fans: Once the new album is released and you get your hands on it, (shit, millennials and Gen Zers won’t know what this means) if you’re the type that might be jonesing for another record not long after, instead of getting crabby on FaceBook, might I suggest that you refrain from listening to all the tracks at once and save at lease a couple of songs for later. Squirrel away some nuts for the winter! I’ve actually done this – purposely having not listened to a few tracks from both “Opiate” and “Undertow” so that I can listen to some ‘new’ (to me) Tool music when ever I want (although lacking the mnemonic technique or instinctive GPS system of squirrels), I might have trouble locating the CDs. Now, I’m sure that few will heed my advice even though it makes perfect sense.
Okay, that’s it for the short month of February. Those who still think that I should disregard my Non-disclosure agreement (perhaps not realizing that getting stung on the face by those wingless wasps is something that I’d rather not experience – and not just because of Spartley’s sting pain index!), how about showing some resourcefulness and getting your own new album information. For instance, maybe take a closer look to see what ‘Evil’ Joe might have written on a piece of masking tape stuck on the recording console in those photos available on the Internet. Show your initiative, friends. All one needs to do is gain access to a computer with some serious computing speed. Magnification at 200 PetaFLOPS ought to do the trick.