after years of trying you finally managed to acquire a copy TexA.N.S..
you have heard a CAD song.
you have attempted to acquire a CAD cd.
you know what CAD stands for.
you have heard at least one ZAUM song.
you wish Danny Carey would revive ZAUM because they rock too.
you have known about Pigmy Love Circus for as long as you have known of TOOL, and, for the ultra geeks, knew of them BEFORE you ever heard of TOOL.
you know how Danny and Maynard met.
you know who asked Maynard to join TOOL.
you know what years Maynard was in the army.
you know what position he turned down when he left.
you know which member of the band considers TOOL to be “his” band.
you know where TOOL played their first show.
you saw the “Hush” video long before the advent of Salival.
you think you know where TOOL got their name.
but you really don’t.
you have met someone who claimed they were the "Bob Marley wannabe mother fucker".
more than once.
you still think that it is a real dead body inside the Opiate montage.
you know about the cow licking itself.
you met a TOOL member before a show and didn’t know it.
you quote TOOL lyrics daily in conversation.
missing a TOOL show was one of the worst moments of your life.
you have spent entire days locked in your room with the lights out listening to TOOL.
you request TOOL at every club you go to.
you think you know what is “4 Degrees” about.
you really don’t.
someone told you one of the band members was gay and that the song “4 Degrees” proves it.
you have heard Maynard say, "Yeah, ready. I was having fun sitting down having a cup of coffee but now i have to sing."
you didn’t know that you did.
you know where the words "I’ll make weapons out of my imperfection." are from.
you know who Bill the Landlord is.
you know the names of Adam’s pigs.
you were happy that you didn’t hear “Sober” live so that the drunk guy next to you who was screaming it the whole show didn’t get his way.
you tried to resist looking at set lists on TDN so you would be surprised.
you failed miserably.
you have heard “You Can’t Kill the Revolutionaries”.
you bought the Escape from L.A. soundtrack.
you own the Brothers Quay collection.
you own, or wish you own the “All Indians, No Chiefs” shirt.
you know Maynard has a son.
you know that son’s name.
you bought the Replicants cd.
you know where the term “Replicants” comes from and the significance of that title in relation to the songs on that cd.
you now that sort of connects it to Rob Zombie’s song “More Human Than Human”.
stumbled upon and read TOOL fics at www.fanfiction.net.
introducing someone to TOOL for the first time was a very sentimental moment for you.
you have had conversations about TOOL that lasted HOURS.
you have had TOOL on your answering machine.
your recycle bin sings: "Flush it all away!", when you empty it.
you have a screen name or have had a screen name in email or other places that was TOOL related.
you have considered getting a TOOL vanity license plate.
when you tried you realized how many others must have thought the same thing.
you have a TOOL sticker on your car.
it is the only sticker on your car.
but it is in a place where no one can miss it.
you own two copies of each TOOL cd because you wore out the first ones and decided to buy spares when you replaced them,
or own even more so that you have a copy of every album in every location that you own a cd player.
you even own them all on cassette and vinyl so that you are always prepared.
any and all docile animals living in your household actually like listening to TOOL.
you play TOOL so much that all of your friends and family members have every TOOL song memorized, even if they don't like them.
you wonder why Much Music, FUSE, and MTV advertise TOOL all the time yet never play them.
you turn TOOL off when it comes on the radio because you know it will be cut for time which defeats the whole point so why bother.
you don't even listen to the radio.
you cannot stand other TOOL fans and swear that you are nothing like them.
but you really are.
regardless, you get a kick out of any non TOOLGEEKS who say they hate TOOL fans.
you can, with a reasonable accuracy, recall each hairstyle Maynard has rocked and what years he had them.
you thought that TOOL could not survive Paul leaving because of his distinctive bass lines.
you still think of Justin as “The New Guy”.
you know the meaning of “Novus Ordo Seclorum”.
you have seriously considered getting some form of TOOL tattoo (be it a logo, a TOOL eye, a band member, Maynard’s ass).
someone told you Maynard died.
more than once.
you laughed at them.
more than once.
you can name at least five movies Adam has worked on.
you know who designed the altar in Predator 2.
you know why Adam has always shied away from playing solos.
you have read the TDN faq,
you have perused extensively the discography at TDN,
and then seriously considered depleting your bank account so you could get it ALL on ebay.
you bought Paul D’amour’s new project LUSK,
and thought to yourself, "He left TOOL to do this?".
you own the original Peach cd.
you own the re-release of the Peach cd.
you know who suggested to Justin to try the bass that he still uses to this day.
you know what kind of bass that is.
you at one time believed in Lachrymology.
you tried in vein to find out any information about Ronald P. Vincent.
you know how to type "æ" and "Æ" on your keyboard (And yes European TOOLGEEKS I know you have actually have an “æ” key on your keyboards. We don’t.)
you think that you know the meanings and reasons behind “Ænima” being the title of the album and “Ænema” being the title of the song.
but, about that, you are wrong as well.
Carl Jung would be proud of you anyway for trying.
if you know what "Chupa minha pica pichu/pinto" means.
you know what “ogt” means,
you have read the definition of “Cesaro Summability”.
and you have no idea what it means.
you have heard “Poopy the Clown”.
you know the original title of “H.”.
you know the deal with Harry Manback.
you have left “Message to Harry Manback” on someone’s answering machine.
you think you know the deal with “Jimmy”.
but you are wrong.
you have attempted the “Die Eier Von Satan” recipe,
and soon realized the importance of eggs in baking.
you can recite the entire Bill Hicks monologue from “3rdeye”.
you own all of Bill Hick’s CD’s.
you actively tried to acquire the imported “Ænima” cd.
and you did this so that you can finally find out how to order such elusive albums as Iced Pee, Bethlehem Abortion Clinic, and Mungey the Clown, among others.
you still believe all these albums to exist SOMEWHERE.
you know who Bob Frissel is.
you know who Drunvalo Melchizedek is.
you own the book “Nothing In This Book Is True, But It’s Exactly How Things Are” and its sequel, “Something In This Book Is True…”.
Carl Jung, Timothy Leary, Bill Hicks, and Terrence McKenna are among your personal heroes.
you have made fun of someone in the TOOLSPEAK chat.
you used to use www.toolband.com/chat/enhanced.html to access the old TOOL chats.
your friends questioned your sanity (and your sexuality) when you got a kick out of the contortionist from the “Ænima”.
you have played dress up Maynard.
you love putting him in a dress and a gorilla suit.
meeting Kabir, Camella, Kat, Graves, or Blair, would be like meeting a celebrity.
you would recognize Kabir on the street.
you are still a little annoyed with Kabir about his April fool’s joke from a few years ago. You know the one.
you fell for his Gammon joke too.
you can remember all the different looks that TOOLBAND and TDN sported over the years.
you miss www.deadohiosky.net.
you’ve traded rare TOOL music at the Hub.
you have complained about moshing.
you have complained about people who complain about moshing.
you attempted to acquire the Longform VHS.
you still refuse to believe it doesn’t exist.
you have contemplated the mystery of Rennes.
you know what Christ Consciousness is.
you know what a Heptagram is.
Maynard once gave you the peace sign at his site.
you knew who Billy Howerdell was before A Perfect Circle.
you heard A Perfect Circle 6 months before the rest of the world knew who they were.
you deciphered the Myan font on your own.
you know what that is.
you have the hots for Paz whether you’re a guy or a girl.
you have heard Big Milk.
you can play 6 degrees of Maynard better than Kevin Bacon can play 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.
you know you are cheating because you know Josh Freese worked with EVERYONE who EVER recorded music.
you know who Josh Freese is.
you heard and worshiped the song “Passenger” 6 months before the release of White Pony.
you can name at least 10 other songs that Maynard has done that are not TOOL or A Perfect Circle related.
you waited in anticipation for Dissectional to open.
and proceeded to spend days lost in it.
only to find Maynard’s Dick =Þ.
you have under appreciated the band that opened for TOOL.
you have been to a TOOL show where there was no opener.
you have heard the Skinny Puppy remix of “Stinkfist”.
you have heard the Gridlock remix of “Disgustipated”.
you have heard the lounge version of “Hooker With A Penis”.
you know who made the lounge version.
you wondered what the deal was with the random pill head t-shirt that came out.
you bought it.
you know what that shirt is really called.
you have played pong at TOOLBAND.
you have tried to get 666 points so you could find the hidden prize.
you only ever pick a music magazine to look for even the smallest mention of TOOL.
and ripped out the piece on TOOL because you weren't going to pay for a magazine for just one paragraph.
you know the deal with the little square on Salival.
you tried to lick it.
you know what LAMC stands for.
you heard “Maynard’s Dick” before the release of Salival.
you know what “funtants” are.
you believe that they exist.
you have heard the Staind cover of “Sober”.
you cried when you heard that Limp Bizkit covered TOOL.
you needed sometime to yourself to recover after you actually heard it.
you hate Creed.
you have heard “Ass Kickin’ Fat Kid”.
you bought the DVD box set of “Mr. Show” for only one reason.
you bought “Tori Amos: Live in New York” for the same exact reason.
you speak the word TAPEWORM with absolute reverence,
and light a candle every now in remembrance of what could have been.
you purchased an album from a band you never heard of because you knew they were opening for TOOL.
you have found this @ toolband:
LET NOT MY TEARS FALL UNNOTICED:
BEING THE SECRET JOYS OF A LACHRYMIST
BLAIR MacKENZIE BLAKE
you bought “Ijynx” and “Disturb the Normal”.
you know who Aloke Dutta is.
you have visited his website.
more than once.
you own Alex Grey’s book.
you know of God’s presence inside Lateralus.
you know who Osseus Labrynt is.
you know how to spell Osseus Labrynt.
you saw Men in Black 2 just to see them.
you bought the “The Greater Wrong of the Right”.
you know who’s album that is.
you waited 12-24 hours to buy TOOL tickets.
and couldn’t because it sold out and the randomly chosen person at the end of the line was the only one to get tickets.
you fell for the Ron Gibbs joke at Madison Square Garden.
you have heard Maynard say in person, "Think for yourself." and /or "Turn this into to something positive.", and/or "Go home tonight and have sex."
you know the what Ramone’s song they covered live a few times on the second Lateralus tour.
you saw them play it live.
not too mention “Ticks & Leeches”.
you look at the ticket stubs of all your TOOL shows every night before you go to sleep.
you look at the tickets you have for an upcoming TOOL show first thing when you get up every day
you have met one of the cast members of HBO’s “OZ” at a TOOL or A Perfect Circle show.
felt the urge to harm someone who said the only TOOL song they like was “Sober”, “ÆNEMA”, “Schism”, “Parabola”, or “Vicarious”.
also felt the urge to harm when someone said that TOOL makes cool videos but that they never really paid any attention to the music.
laughed when you saw TOOL live and as they started playing a song from OPIATE or UNDERTOW the person next you exclaimed: “WOW!!! A BRAND NEW SONG!!!”
you proudly paid $50 at a show for a piece of TOOL merchandise.
you wore that piece of merchandise the very next day, even if it wasn't clothing.
you know who won the employee of the month award for July, 2001 at the Riverside Wallmart in California.
you have seen the blue Danny god at Danny’s website.
you know the only color pen Danny will sign autographs with (so you better be prepared!).
you spent the better part of your life trying to work out Danny’s drum parts and still can’t quite get them down.
for some, you aren’t even close.
you had the picture of Danny and Justin accepting their Grammies on your desktop for a while.
you told everyone you could that Danny thanked Satan.
you own the new Pigmy Love Circus album.
you saw PLC live and were pulled on stage during the show suddenly and unexpectedly found yourself in awe, right in front of Danny while he soloed,
or got to sing into the mic while he did.
you know why Maynard is behind Adam on stage.
you downloaded Thriller thinking it would be a new TOOL song.
you know the definition of “Lateralus”.
you bought an HDCD player and used it once, to listen to Lateralus.
you know that Mantra = Pussy.
you have played Mantra for your pets just to see what will happen.
you know the significance of 9-8-7.
you know what "Faaip de Oiad" means.
no you don’t, i lied.
you saw TOOL play it live.
you have synced the “Parabola” video to the song, “The Grudge”.
you have synced Lateralus to the “Nightmare Before Christmas”.
no one believed you when you told them that both work.
then you showed them.
you have seen “Run, Ronnie, Run” and “Bikini Bandits Go To Hell”.
you have seen an episode of Bikini Bandits.
you have bought clothing from G’Mart.
you are wearing a G’Mart piece of clothing right now.
you have put “LAMC”, “Mantra”, “Message to Harry Manback”, and/or “Faaip De Oiad” in a mix you made for a friend.
you went slug hunting when 13th Step came out,
and you still can’t find some of the stupid fuckers.
you know what band Paz left A Perfect Circle to join.
you know where Maynard got the idea for the “Imagine” video.
your cell phone has a TOOL ringtone.
when people call your cell phone they hear TOOL instead of ringing.
you know what Puscifer is.
you know what Caduceus means.
you want to pay a visit to the Merkin Vineyard,
for the same reason you want to visit a certain little record store in Topanga, California.
you know what COSM is.
you have been there.
you have met Alex Grey.
you picked up the dvd singles the day they came out.
and listened to eight straight minutes of “WWWOOOOOAAAWWWW. WWOOOOOAAAWWWW.”
listened, perplexed, to the commentaries that were on them
your mouth dropped the first time you heard “Vicarious”.
you thought 10,000 Days was brilliant and liked everything about it.
you hated 10,000 Days and everything that it is.
you still think it is fake.
you know who TOOL brought in behind the scenes to help mix 10,000 Days.
you know why they decided to self produce 10,000 Days.
you know the significance of the place TOOL recorded 10,000 Days.
you know approximately how long it TOOL to write and record 10,000 Days.
you know what two bands, and what deceased musician, had the most influence on how TOOL approached writing 10,000 Days.
you know who designed the Talk Box that Adam uses on the album.
you know who Adam turned to for advice on how to best utilize it.
you know what a Talk Box is.
you know the name of the photographer Adam worked with to create the double image art in the album.
you know what that kind of photography is called.
you have attempted to create some yourself.
you have visited Adam’s myspace page.
you unsuccessfully sent him a friend request.
now that you have heard it on the album you remember TOOL sneaking in bits of “Wings For Marie” and “10,000 Days” during the Lateralus tour, usually as an outro to “Triad”.
the first time you heard the opening to “The Pot” you wondered if you maybe downloaded the wrong song. No wait I mean that maybe the record company put the wrong song on the album… shit.
(Stop your bitching, after reading this far do you REALLY think that I wouldn’t buy the album?)
you know the deal behind Rosetta Stoned.
you are a litter bug.
you paid more than $400 for ONE ticket.
you know Adam’s and Justin’s current pedal set up and you even know what strings they prefer using.
you know the secrets behind Danny’s drums and the significance of their setup,
or at least you think you do.
you like Danny’s purple sneakers.
you know why Justin has been spending so much time in the water lately.
you cannot wait for Guitar Hero 2.
you don’t find this funny: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=673
your other favorite bands are either connected to TOOL somehow or have played with TOOL (ie APC, deftones, rage against the machine, nine inch nails, king crimson, tomahawk, etc…)
it is possible, that in addition to being known as a TOOLGEEK, you are also known by some as a “PATTONFREAK”.
you are still waiting for the TOOL live dvd…
you just read that whole thing.
and laughed while you did.
you read it when it was originally posted years ago.
one time you discovered this on some random website but found that someone had changed it to read “You know you are a Blue Oyster Cult geek if…” and had also changed every instance of the word “TOOL” to “Blue Oyster Cult”.
you plan on forwarding it this to other geeky TOOL fans.
you tried to look up the things you did not know.
immediately attempted to download any TOOL related music you had not before heard of as you read this.
you joined TOOLARMY.
you are listening to TOOL right now.
THANKS FOR READING!!!!!!!
Contributors after the original post (all TOOLARMY members): hurt, helltrucker, tiny, jonæh, the futant, fragilefreakgirl, halo33, karma, phuz, rental99, fgangarossa, jungle cat.
Contributors from TOOLSHED after the TOOLSHED post: humannerd, satan, mark d, jebus, smirk, irony, philosophomore, phlame, prophaniti, noeggs23, blue/shimmering
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